Forever and why I don’t want it.

Capture

My boyfriend said this to me yesterday. In case you’re not familiar, my boyfriend, I believe I call him Skate here, so Skate and I have been together for three months after being close for just under a year. I love him. And I know that this, again, is a generic teenage thing so say but you know when you love someone, right, and I know that I love him. We’re long distance, if you can call it that. There’s a hour between him and I. But I suppose these things don’t really come into this. Perhaps a little, but only a little. Despite the distance, it’s still amazing. This is the boy who, every day, makes sure that I’m okay and tells me that he loves me, who every time I see him, tells me I’m beautiful and perfect, and that I’m too good for him. This is the boy who will do anything to make me feel better and will be there through anything and who, along with those few incredible others (yes, you know who you are…), has kept me alive.

But ‘forever’ scares me. We all seem to be looking for a forever and waiting for a forever, maybe just waiting for the right forever, but a forever all the same… But… Why?

The thought of staying with one person for the rest of your life frightens me a little and maybe that’s a little strange as why would you not want to find that one, utterly perfect person who will never leave you and who will stay with you through everything?

Part of me, I suppose, does want that a little. And I know that when I am older, and more okay in myself, then I will want it.

Perhaps it’s partly the fault of the music industry. Maybe ‘fault’ is the wrong word… ‘influence’ may be better here. I say this because it is telling us that love doesn’t work out and that forever doesn’t mean forever and that when a person tells you that they won’t let you down, they’re lying and they hurt you so much that you can’t take it.

I don’t want to be the girl in the songs; the girl that expects forever when he tells her he’ll be her Always, the girl who gets hurt every time because he changed his mind.

Also, I am fifteen. That means… Possibly eighty more years with one person. Eighty. That’s a little terrifying, if I’m honest.

Plus, how can you be sure that you’re with the right person if you’ve never been with anyone else?

I know this post may seem awfully pessimistic and negative about the whole ‘love’ thing, but I really hope it doesn’t. I don’t believe I’m being a pessimist, more so a realist who is slightly scared of eternity. Of course, I’m not saying that ‘forever’ doesn’t exist, of course it does for so, so many people, but it just doesn’t exist for me right now. And it makes me sad, because I know that when my forever ends, my forever with Skate… He might still want that forever and I’ll end up hurting him and that is the last thing that I want to do. Bearing in mind that he was almost on the brink of tears when saying the things he did. For now, I do, somewhat, have a forever, our little forever, but I know that my forever won’t be an eternity.

xx

Today I’m… Okay.

Funny thing is, ‘okay’ sounds like something that’s just, well, okay. Nothing particularly uplifting or special, just okay. But now… Now I’ve found that ‘okay’ is a luxury, a rarity that is worth more right now than I ever thought it would. To be ‘okay’ is to feel some happiness, and happiness is a virtue that I appreciate more than ever now I’ve experienced how it feels to be without happiness for such a length of time that all hope seems to disappear.

Recently, things have gone downhill; a never-ending fog of internal darkness that just doesn’t go away.

But today… Today I’m okay.

I hope you are too, don’t give up.

xx