Reintroducing myself.

When I was younger, sometimes my grandparents would come and stay with us for a few days. One time, my grandmother and I walked down to the park in my village and we bought ice cream and a magazine and we sat on a bench by the pond facing away from the road and directly onto the fields and the hills. That was back when I was four years old, maybe five and I haven’t sat there since. I’m not sure why.

Also, we used to be really close with our neighbours. We’re still close, I suppose, though not so much. They have a son my sister’s age (let’s call him T) and a daughter my own age (M), so it was always pretty cool having two best friends living next door to you, well, strictly speaking, as our houses are semi-detached, in the same building. At one end of the hedge in our gardens, it was cut short and replaced with a little black gate that would always jam shut or not open properly, and we’d meet there, myself and M, whatever the weather, and then go to one another’s houses and play make-believes and make cupcakes and start projects that would never be finished. Then in the summer when the days were longer and everything was warmer and nothing had to be done, my sister, T and M and I would open the gate and we’d play Tig using both our gardens and cricket and Stuck In The Mud and football and T would swap teams because we all knew that he’d win the game. Then during the day, we’d take out all our brightly coloured pop-up tents and tunnels and join them together to make a giant network of tent forts and we’d have blankets and cushions inside them and we’d stay in there all day until it got dark. If it was raining, we’d go inside and make blanket forts in M’s room and we’d have chocolate bars and we’d talk about what we wanted to be when we were older. And then we’d fall asleep because it was 10 o’ clock and it was late.

And then M went to high school (she’s only six days older than me but is in the year above) and so we didn’t have much to talk about any more; she was grown up at a big, expensive school and I was still at primary, only just learning the things she learnt a year before. Sometimes we do still meet up to watch films or to thrash each other on Mario Kart or sometimes to just talk and I love that, and sometimes we’ll just talk about all these memories.

As myself and my sister, C, got older, we began to find ourselves needing each other more than ever. The pressure of high school and college and growing up in general began to get us down and we found that we actually could rely on each other when times were tough. When we got our dog, we began taking him for a walk every evening, just us, and we’d talk about everything. In summer, we’d walk for hours, around the fields and the housing estates and the hills and we’d sit down at the side of a flower-filled field and lie in the dwindling sunlight for a while, forgetting about everything.

And that is part of me.

The point of this is, it’s not your name or your age or where you live or anything that really matters. It’s about your story, and the things that have made you who you are. So those are just a few parts of my story and I think I might share some more with you soon, if you’d like me too. Also, you guys should also try this, make it however long or short you like. Let’s make this a tag, anyone up to help?

xx

 

I am human and I will let you down.

Here, for those of you in the Supernatural fandom, have a shit-tonne of feels. I found this song through an Instagram post a short while ago and it was the shot of Jared holding the card saying, ‘I am human, I am human, I am human and I will let you down.’ This is not okay. Not. Okay.

Anyway, I found the song just today however the picture itself hadn’t left my mind since the first time I saw it. And maybe that’s because it holds so much truth. Another song, Far From Never by The Pretty Reckless, includes the line, ‘no one will never let you down’ which I have begun to be accustomed to saying in the recent months since I heard that song for the first time also.

With risk of seeming incredibly pessimistic, when someone tells you that they’re never going to let you down, no matter how genuine they are or how much they mean it, they will.

It may well just be something incredibly small, but all the same, it hurts.

But this is human nature, we simply cannot build relationships with other people without something sometimes getting in the way, that’s just how it is.

Also, I’m not saying that as soon as someone lets you down, that’ll be the end of it, because for the majority of the time, it won’t be, and I firmly believe that people deserve second chances, sometimes third chances, but it’s when you find yourself continuously giving someone more chances that it becomes a problem.

Anyway, that kind of swerved a little away from the original thought (and I apologise for the fact that this is incredibly poorly written, I may well rewrite this sometime).

I don’t tell people that I’ll never let them down any more. It’s not true.

And when, during a fall out or argument or whatever you so wish to imagine, they tell me that I told them that I’d never let them down, I know that I said exactly the opposite.

xx

(A more light-hearted post will be up soon, don’t worry ^-^)

Forever and why I don’t want it.

Capture

My boyfriend said this to me yesterday. In case you’re not familiar, my boyfriend, I believe I call him Skate here, so Skate and I have been together for three months after being close for just under a year. I love him. And I know that this, again, is a generic teenage thing so say but you know when you love someone, right, and I know that I love him. We’re long distance, if you can call it that. There’s a hour between him and I. But I suppose these things don’t really come into this. Perhaps a little, but only a little. Despite the distance, it’s still amazing. This is the boy who, every day, makes sure that I’m okay and tells me that he loves me, who every time I see him, tells me I’m beautiful and perfect, and that I’m too good for him. This is the boy who will do anything to make me feel better and will be there through anything and who, along with those few incredible others (yes, you know who you are…), has kept me alive.

But ‘forever’ scares me. We all seem to be looking for a forever and waiting for a forever, maybe just waiting for the right forever, but a forever all the same… But… Why?

The thought of staying with one person for the rest of your life frightens me a little and maybe that’s a little strange as why would you not want to find that one, utterly perfect person who will never leave you and who will stay with you through everything?

Part of me, I suppose, does want that a little. And I know that when I am older, and more okay in myself, then I will want it.

Perhaps it’s partly the fault of the music industry. Maybe ‘fault’ is the wrong word… ‘influence’ may be better here. I say this because it is telling us that love doesn’t work out and that forever doesn’t mean forever and that when a person tells you that they won’t let you down, they’re lying and they hurt you so much that you can’t take it.

I don’t want to be the girl in the songs; the girl that expects forever when he tells her he’ll be her Always, the girl who gets hurt every time because he changed his mind.

Also, I am fifteen. That means… Possibly eighty more years with one person. Eighty. That’s a little terrifying, if I’m honest.

Plus, how can you be sure that you’re with the right person if you’ve never been with anyone else?

I know this post may seem awfully pessimistic and negative about the whole ‘love’ thing, but I really hope it doesn’t. I don’t believe I’m being a pessimist, more so a realist who is slightly scared of eternity. Of course, I’m not saying that ‘forever’ doesn’t exist, of course it does for so, so many people, but it just doesn’t exist for me right now. And it makes me sad, because I know that when my forever ends, my forever with Skate… He might still want that forever and I’ll end up hurting him and that is the last thing that I want to do. Bearing in mind that he was almost on the brink of tears when saying the things he did. For now, I do, somewhat, have a forever, our little forever, but I know that my forever won’t be an eternity.

xx

Empty.

Empty.

An existence. One filled with a ‘feeling’ so hard to comprehend, and consequently, inexplicably hard to define.

Being empty is when you are running on only the most necessary state of mind needed for the simplest survival; you carry out day-to-day tasks without realising. You walk, you eat, you drink, you sit down, you lie down, you stare, you disappear. You don’t realise.

Being empty is when you see your reflection and see it as just a reflection of a person whom you do not recognise. It is when you stand and stare at the person in the mirror for endless minutes, thinking nothing, seeing nothing. You do not see the emotions or the history behind the skin. You see only a person, it is not you, is it even a reflection any more?

Being empty is when you hit things, punch walls, cut deep, without a second thought. It is when you wait for the pain to set in because you need it so badly to remind you that you are still alive, not just in a limbo of confused existence. It is when you don’t even realise you needed the pain, you just do it as a reflex.

Being empty is being physically unable to move or talk or listen. You cannot move from your state of paralysis in front of the mirror or in the corner of your room. You cannot move the fingers that you have so intricately entwined with a blade away from your wrist. You cannot answer the question you were just asked. You cannot recognise the words that are being spoken.

Being empty is where you see only denotation. The connotations you automatically think have disappeared and you are left with nothing but ‘ceiling’, ‘rain’, ‘blood’.

Being empty is where you are not sad, nor happy, nor angry. You feel them all at once, in a rush so strong that you cannot feel them at all. Perhaps it could be said that there is so much emotion that there is none.

Being empty is where you do not know which is worse; the emotion or the state of numbness.

Being empty is when you do not feel. Being empty is when you cannot feel. Being empty is being a ghost.

Being empty is feeling nothing when your lover kisses you or wraps his arms around you and holds you tight. It is feeling nothing when she strokes your face and tells you that it is going to be alright.

Being empty is when you cannot cry because there is nothing to bring the tears, despite the millions of thoughts that circled in your mind just ten minutes ago.

Being empty is not living.

Being empty is existing.

Being empty is being hopeless.

The New Year Plan

*groans*

Inevitably, WordPress is undoubtedly going to blow up with New Year blogging: resolutions, memories and thoughts on 2013, hopes for 2014 and all that deep, reflective thinking. So I guess, as one of my resolutions is to make a little more of an effort with this this year like that’s going to work shut up you know it won’t, ooh, rain  stop getting distracted I guess I should probably add my pitiful attempt at a god this rain is really loud post myself.

However, instead of writing one stupidly long, infuriatingly boring post, I’m going to split it into various things.

  • Blog reflections ~ Considering I started this blog on Christmas Eve 2012, I may as well look back on some of my worst posts ever and laugh and cringe at how badly worded they are and at my failed attempts to make jokes. And just muse over how awesome you all are and wonder about how you don’t realise how much I suck.
  • Reflections on the past year ~ Basically where I remember all the really bad/awkward/stupid/idiotic things that have happened over the past year and cry about them whilst armed with a pot of Ben and Jerry’s.
  • Resolutions (and what happened to last year’s) ~ Oh dear.
  • 2014 Bucket List ~ Bucket lists are good, right?
  • Hopes for 2014 ~ Probably trying to be deep and failing.
  • Blog ideas and series that I may or may not keep up ~ I have so many ideas lying around so I may as well list them all and have this list as a constant reminder of my decreasing blogging abilities.

And there you have my New Years plan, if I actually stick to it.

Which I will. Maybe. Probably. Hopefully? 

And now to do it. Shit.

xx

Today I’m… Okay.

Funny thing is, ‘okay’ sounds like something that’s just, well, okay. Nothing particularly uplifting or special, just okay. But now… Now I’ve found that ‘okay’ is a luxury, a rarity that is worth more right now than I ever thought it would. To be ‘okay’ is to feel some happiness, and happiness is a virtue that I appreciate more than ever now I’ve experienced how it feels to be without happiness for such a length of time that all hope seems to disappear.

Recently, things have gone downhill; a never-ending fog of internal darkness that just doesn’t go away.

But today… Today I’m okay.

I hope you are too, don’t give up.

xx

9473672283% DONE.

SO I FINALLY SAW PANIC! AT THE DISCO LAST NIGHT AND HOLY MOTHER OF ALL THINGS HOLY, IT WAS THE BEST NIGHT. OF MY ENTIRE. EXISTENCE. OFFICIALLY. No exaggeration.

So today has been post-gig sadness, with a little remaining hype mixed in. Plus, the inevitable I-JUST-WANT-TO-SLEEP-CAN-I-SLEEP-ON-THE-DESK-OR-IN-A-CUPBOARD-PLEASE moments during school.

So, while I should really be revising for a French GCSE exam, I’m going to write about this and give you photos and stuff.

So- I’ve just realised that I have started every sentence with ‘so’… DON’T JUDGE ME, I’M TIRED- I had been waiting for this night since the start of summer. AND BOY, WAS IT WORTH IT.

I just. ASDFHGDJKASHDKASGDSAJHDFASKDGAIAUSCHASLHDGSAKJDHASH. I still can’t get over the fact that Brendon FREAKING URIE was in the SAME. ROOM. BREATHING THE SAME. AIR. I just can’t function any more.

Let me provide you with pictures.

First off, was New Politics, an amazing band from le lovely Denmark. They’ve been supporting P!ATD for about two weeks and will continue to do so throughout the UK tour.

David Boyd, New Politics, crowd surfing

David Boyd, New Politics, crowd surfing during Fall Into These Arms

David (left) and Soren (right)

David (left) and Soren (right)

These were absolutely incredible and were so down-to-earth and lovely. We managed to get a photo with them at the end of the evening which was freaking amazing and just… ASDFGHJKL. I kind of just choked on my words as I told them how amazing they were and my my, I think I died.

NP did a half an hour set in which they perfor- BERLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN, BERLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN- *cough* performed some of their best songs.

If you haven’t heard of them, which wouldn’t be surprising, GO AND LISTEN TO THEM NOW. In fact…

Voila.

Yes, yes, you’re welcome.

They really got it started, but it was nothing, nothing, compared to the reaction when Panic came on. I think I was close to collapsing; I don’t think I can even begin to explain how it felt.

I don’t think I really need to go on about how incredible they were, or how beautiful Brendon looked, or how incredibly talented Dallon and everyone is, so I’ll just give you a load of pictures. I just wish I could put videos on here without having to use a URL… 😦 Maybe I’ll find a way for that.

Whatever. I’m just going to get overtaken by a wave of feels now, adios.

IMG_1883

IMG_1856 IMG_1862 IMG_1879 IMG_1887 IMG_1896 IMG_1924 IMG_1913 IMG_1910 IMG_1926 IMG_1927 IMG_1933

Yeah, okay, I’m done, I can’t cope with this amount of Brendon. Those are just some of the best ones, I’ll put some of the others up soon.

New post sometime soon,

Love you all xx