I am human and I will let you down.

Here, for those of you in the Supernatural fandom, have a shit-tonne of feels. I found this song through an Instagram post a short while ago and it was the shot of Jared holding the card saying, ‘I am human, I am human, I am human and I will let you down.’ This is not okay. Not. Okay.

Anyway, I found the song just today however the picture itself hadn’t left my mind since the first time I saw it. And maybe that’s because it holds so much truth. Another song, Far From Never by The Pretty Reckless, includes the line, ‘no one will never let you down’ which I have begun to be accustomed to saying in the recent months since I heard that song for the first time also.

With risk of seeming incredibly pessimistic, when someone tells you that they’re never going to let you down, no matter how genuine they are or how much they mean it, they will.

It may well just be something incredibly small, but all the same, it hurts.

But this is human nature, we simply cannot build relationships with other people without something sometimes getting in the way, that’s just how it is.

Also, I’m not saying that as soon as someone lets you down, that’ll be the end of it, because for the majority of the time, it won’t be, and I firmly believe that people deserve second chances, sometimes third chances, but it’s when you find yourself continuously giving someone more chances that it becomes a problem.

Anyway, that kind of swerved a little away from the original thought (and I apologise for the fact that this is incredibly poorly written, I may well rewrite this sometime).

I don’t tell people that I’ll never let them down any more. It’s not true.

And when, during a fall out or argument or whatever you so wish to imagine, they tell me that I told them that I’d never let them down, I know that I said exactly the opposite.

xx

(A more light-hearted post will be up soon, don’t worry ^-^)

Forever and why I don’t want it.

Capture

My boyfriend said this to me yesterday. In case you’re not familiar, my boyfriend, I believe I call him Skate here, so Skate and I have been together for three months after being close for just under a year. I love him. And I know that this, again, is a generic teenage thing so say but you know when you love someone, right, and I know that I love him. We’re long distance, if you can call it that. There’s a hour between him and I. But I suppose these things don’t really come into this. Perhaps a little, but only a little. Despite the distance, it’s still amazing. This is the boy who, every day, makes sure that I’m okay and tells me that he loves me, who every time I see him, tells me I’m beautiful and perfect, and that I’m too good for him. This is the boy who will do anything to make me feel better and will be there through anything and who, along with those few incredible others (yes, you know who you are…), has kept me alive.

But ‘forever’ scares me. We all seem to be looking for a forever and waiting for a forever, maybe just waiting for the right forever, but a forever all the same… But… Why?

The thought of staying with one person for the rest of your life frightens me a little and maybe that’s a little strange as why would you not want to find that one, utterly perfect person who will never leave you and who will stay with you through everything?

Part of me, I suppose, does want that a little. And I know that when I am older, and more okay in myself, then I will want it.

Perhaps it’s partly the fault of the music industry. Maybe ‘fault’ is the wrong word… ‘influence’ may be better here. I say this because it is telling us that love doesn’t work out and that forever doesn’t mean forever and that when a person tells you that they won’t let you down, they’re lying and they hurt you so much that you can’t take it.

I don’t want to be the girl in the songs; the girl that expects forever when he tells her he’ll be her Always, the girl who gets hurt every time because he changed his mind.

Also, I am fifteen. That means… Possibly eighty more years with one person. Eighty. That’s a little terrifying, if I’m honest.

Plus, how can you be sure that you’re with the right person if you’ve never been with anyone else?

I know this post may seem awfully pessimistic and negative about the whole ‘love’ thing, but I really hope it doesn’t. I don’t believe I’m being a pessimist, more so a realist who is slightly scared of eternity. Of course, I’m not saying that ‘forever’ doesn’t exist, of course it does for so, so many people, but it just doesn’t exist for me right now. And it makes me sad, because I know that when my forever ends, my forever with Skate… He might still want that forever and I’ll end up hurting him and that is the last thing that I want to do. Bearing in mind that he was almost on the brink of tears when saying the things he did. For now, I do, somewhat, have a forever, our little forever, but I know that my forever won’t be an eternity.

xx

Liebster Award

(Yes, hello, I am alive, I have not been possessed by demons, nor have I been adopted by Dean Winchester, which is an incredible shame because Dean, nor have I been doing anything of much interest in my blogging absence, only homework, homework, homework, homework, homework, homework, homework, etc etc.)

The wooooonderful George nominated me for the Liebster Award, for which I am extremely thankful and confused by as I still have no idea why I should receive any type of award.

Soooo the rules are:

1.  Thank the person who nominated you and link to their blog. (Done Above)
2.  Answer the 10 questions given to you by the nominee before you.
3.  Nominate 10 of your favourite blogs with fewer than 200 followers and notify them of their nomination.
4.  Come up with 10 questions for your nominees to answer.

Here goes then.

1. Who is your favourite fictional character?

…You just had to make these painfully difficult, didn’t you. I have many characters that I adore, but the two that spring to mind (yes, two, shush) are Hazel and Gus from The Fault In Our Stars, which, if you haven’t yet read, a) WHY NOT b) GO AND GET IT NOW AND JUST READ IT AND CRY OKAY, JUST… JUST DO IT, and if you haven’t yet seen the trailer for the upcoming film, here it is, just for you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ItBvH5J6ss

I think I love these characters most because of their perceptions of reality and how they themselves are portrayed to be so heartrendingly human. That may sound like a really strange thing to say, as the vast majority of fictional characters are human, surprise surprise, however both Gus and Hazel display characteristics that are so real that despite their situations possibly being hugely different to ours, we can still find things to relate to and from these characters, we can learn a lot.

2. Have you ever been in a relationship?

However surprising this may be, yes, I’m in one now (: (No, I don’t know why or how either.)

3. What is your favourite food?

OHHHHHHHHHH you went there. I don’t think I can answer that. I have a few foods that I absolutely adore but I don’t think I can pick a favourite. Yorkshire Puddings are pretty damn good, Jaffa Cakes too, and lemon sorbet.

4. Who are you most like from Harry Potter?

…I actually have no idea… I haven’t YET (don’t kill me please) read the books and I haven’t seen the films in a while sooooooooo I’m not sure on that one.

5. What is your favourite film?

That’s hard too. Either Pitch Perfect or The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Or High School Musical purely for nostalgic reasons and Zac Efron.

6. Have you ever read Lord of the Rings?

Nope. That’s another one that I need to read. I am about to read The Hobbit though.

7. Have you ever read Night Circus? (if no READ IT NOW)

OKAY I’LL READ IT

8. Where would you most like to go?

Hmmmmmmmm… I’d say Australia but there’s spiders and snakes and I really don’t like that thought. Safari would be pretty amazing, or just some island with beautiful clear sea and golden sand and just prettiness and sun.

9. What colour is your blogging tool? (laptop, phone, ipod, etc)

My laptop is siiiiiiiiiilver and my iPod is white because classy (:

10. Why did you start a blog?

I think part of it was because at my high school, one of the guys from BBC Sport came in to talk to us about journalism (which is what I want to do) and said that writing a blog is a good way to show what you can do. So I considered making it serious and just ditched the idea, because this is way too fun as it is right now. I am, however doing that music blog I mentioned last post, it’s on its way to being formatted and things so that should be interesting. I also just wanted a place to rant and talk about things and to talk to new people and that’s pretty much it.

Okay, so now I have to think up some questions?

1. If you were to describe your personality as a colour, what would it be?

2. If you have one, who is your idol or inspiration? (Can be more than one person.)

3. If you could choose to live in a book or film, which one would it be and why?

4. Name one skill/talent that you wish you had?

5. Favourite place to be?

6. When is your deepest time of day or night?

7. Favourite method of procrastination?

8. Name a song that you find happiest? (For example, mine would be Collar Full by P!ATD because JUST LISTEN TO HOW FUN IT IS)  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZAIEAG6Vgk

9. A song that you can relate to?

10. If you could have any job in the world, what would it be?

Now for nominations:

Um.

Um.

I have no idea how many followers most of you have so I won’t stick to the limited followers rule thing.

http://okaaythen.wordpress.com/

http://themostlyconfusedteenager.wordpress.com/

http://greatdisadvantage.wordpress.com/

http://attemptingreality.wordpress.com/

http://midnightimpulse.wordpress.com/

http://hauntedteenager.wordpress.com/

There are soooooooooooooooo many bloggers I could nominate here, but there are some that spring to mind.

I won’t take too long in my blogging hiatus, I think I’m going to stay in bed all day and write about life on here.

Love you all xx

Coming up in 2014

You will know by now that I am not good at all at keeping up with blog posts. There’ll be weeks where I’ll post almost every day, and there’ll be months where I won’t post at all. I think this is partly due to, aside from the ever-increasing pile of school work, the fact that almost all my ideas require time and energy, two things that I do not usually possess (currently I use all my remaining energy crying over Supernatural). Moreover, the only time I felt I could post anything worth reading was when something had happened in my life, which isn’t very often, so you were left with goddamn awful posts about nothing.

So, now, in the event that I have nothing to write about, I have created a list of generic ideas to complete as and when.

  • The ‘Letters To’ series ~ So this will basically be a series of letters to someone, maybe a specific person, maybe to a group of people, saying the things that I’d like to say but probably won’t. It could be just an open letter to anyone in a similar situation, for example, however it could be addressed to a friend of mine, or even yourself.
  • Challenges ~ You know the ones. The challenges that no one keeps up, ever. But I shall try my best.
  • Tags ~ Tags are fun, and easy, so why not? If you guys find any interesting ones, please tell me because I have no inspiration. As per usual.
  • A fuck tonne of feels posts ~ I have so many of these in my drafts and I have a feeling some of you could relate to them.
  • Reviews ~ Films, books, music.
  • A continuation of the ‘Reasons to carry on’ series ~ My aim is to get at least a couple of hundred to remind anyone going through a hard time why they should carry on.
  • Tutorials ~ …Craft things? Daily routines? Eyeliner?
  • Videos ~ Ooooh, videos. Not entirely sure what of, but there we go.
  • Novel ~ I can try and write a novel and post my progress. Not sure how that would work out. Which leads me on to:
  • A modern fairy tale series ~ Considering traditional fairy tales are bullshit, I thought I’d rewrite some. Why does the Princess always have to be saved by the Prince? And why does it always have to be a Prince and a Princess? Why not two princesses or two princes? ACCEPTANCE.

And that is just a small sample of ideas. You can remind me if I seem to have disappeared for a while.

Next post will be soon as it’s midday and I should probably get up.

xx

Insignificant Numbers. (and whatever else.)

Ah, hello. Nice to see you again.

SO YES, I AM BACK, HELLO HELLO, you’ve missed me? Aw thanks- they didn’t, stop flattering yourself -Great.

Anyway, whether or not you did miss me, I am back from yet another short spell of blog neglect. Yes, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, okay, I’m sorry. 

Um.

Alright, let’s start over.

*cough*

Let’s just pretend I haven’t been neglecting my blog and let’s pretend that I haven’t left about twenty different drafts unfinished because of my new Supernatural addiction and let’s ramble on about my insignificant being for a few hundred words.

What’s been happening in la vie de moi?

Actually, quite a lot. (Yes, I’m as surprised as you are.)

Firstly, I reached 100 followers on this blog about a week or so ago, which is, although probably a rather insignificant to some of you blog-famous people, kind of crazy for me. I was going to dedicate an entire post to this (wow, dedication, so much effort required) but I knew that wouldn’t get done so I suppose this is just a little thing to say thank you. This came just before my one year anniversary (Christmas Eve) so that was pretty damn cool. Truthfully, I never even thought I’d have five followers, let alone over a hundred. You guys are aware that I actually suck in real life, right? You’re not supposed to tell them that, idiot. But to all of you who follow me, or are reading this right now, or have ever read this stupid excuse of a blog, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’ve made some amazing friends this year through blogging (you know who you are) but this is going to be in my new year post (that I’ll probably finish in July or something, knowing me) so I won’t say much more on the subject. Buuut, yes, thank you all, you’re all fabby.

Secondly, I finally saw Imagine Dragons in November and, as expected, they were absolutely incredible. Plus, I held eye contact with Wayne for twenty seconds, and they were the most amazing twenty seconds of my life.

IMG_1922

I’ll do another post with more photos soon because I have so much to say about them and so many pictures to show you hehehe, jealous yet? and just wow.

Thirdly, you know Skate? Of course they know Skate, you’re always mentioning him, you creeper. Well, I may have somehow, somehow, managed to capture him. (In other words, he’s my boyfriend.) Hahahahaha, I know, I can assure you, I am just as surprised as you are; I mean, this is Skate. Le Sexy Garçon. That boy. What. What. That was weird. Really weird. But I love it. The only downside is  the distance (he lives about an hour away), however it’s not too bad. That’s what Skype and trains are for, right?

Fourthly, I got tickets to see Fall Out Boy, supported by New Politics and The Pretty Reckless, which is going to be AMAZING, and THEN, I ALSO GOT TICKETS TO SEE PANIC AGAIN IN MAY AND OH MY GOD, I CAN’T BREATHE AGAIN.

Gigs are now my life.

Speaking of which, I am going to start a music blog (yes, I know, I can’t even keep up with this one, let alone two) but I had a brief moment of realisation today. You see, in the future, my ideal career lies in music journalism, (preferably for the likes of Kerrang! or other music magazines) and I’ve always known that a good way to get an advantage over others is to have a blog, one which you can show potential employers in order to show them what you do. However, I am not about to show them this one (not a good idea to give them an insight into my fifteen year old weirdass mind) so, why not make a dedicated music blog?

I can’t say I’m entirely sure how well it’ll work out, but it’s worth a try. Moreover, if any of you would like to be part of it, please tell me because it would be awesome to get a load of you involved considering you all have impeccable taste and with more people, we can cover a wider range of music and make it a bigger project. But, it’s all voluntary so feel free to do whatever. Just let me know in the comments or through my contact page and we’ll sort something out!

But, for now, that is all from me as it is nearly 1am and my writing capabilities are slowly deteriorating yet again.

Another post later, most likely, considering it is now new year’s eve and it is only fitting.

Love you all, I hope you all have a lovely day and, for those of you in different time zones, happy new year!

Xx

Reasons To Carry On 1-50

A few nights ago, or sometime last week, I was having one of my worst days. Not because anything had happened, not particularly, it was just one of those nights where I’d just lie in the darkness doing everything to hold myself together. It was one of the Tidal Wave nights (I wrote a post on it in July which you can read here but it’s really bad and probably not worth reading) and I suddenly had a thought that kind of scared me.

Why am I still alive?

The scary thing was, it was a real, genuine question. I realised how ready I was to give up. Not that I was suicidal, not quite, just so close to losing every hope in myself and in life.

And so, I decided to finally do something that I’d been thinking about for a while; I began a list of reasons to carry on, reasons to be alive.

It was surprisingly hard just to think of one hundred reasons, however I’m determined to build it until it hits one thousand. Currently I have 104. Right now, I’m going to give you 50 of these, then another 50 in another post, etc, and this will become a series in the hope that someone, somewhere, will find some hope in it and will find something they can relate to whatever they’re going through.

So I’ll stop talking and copy out my list, bearing in mind, this is my list, so I have some more personal things on there (e.g. specific friends and people) but I’ll just work around those. I hope this can help someone remember why they’re still here.

  1. For __________ (my best friend).
  2. For __________.
  3. For friends.
  4. For my sister.
  5. For everyone who loves you.
  6. For __________.
  7. For my dog.
  8. For the summer.
  9. For the winter.
  10. For the autumn…
  11. And for the spring.
  12. For the night sky.
  13. For the moon at every beautiful phase.
  14. For all the stars.
  15. For everyone who hasn’t given up.
  16. For the stage.
  17. For the rain.
  18. For the storms.
  19. For the sunny days.
  20. For the dreams.
  21. For the guitar.
  22. For ___________.
  23. For ___________.
  24. For the bloggers.
  25. For the amazing eyeliner days. :’)
  26. For Panic!
  27. For the gigs.
  28. For the music.
  29. For the bands.
  30. For the good days.
  31. For the novels.
  32. For the laughs,
  33. For the inside jokes.
  34. For the smiles.
  35. For the ability to start again.
  36. For the sunsets.
  37. For the sunrises.
  38. For __________.
  39. For the amazing clothes.
  40. For the relationships.
  41. For the friendships.
  42. For the new, exciting crushes (shush, you have to love them!)
  43. For the adventure.
  44. For travelling the world.
  45. For the cuddles.
  46. For the hugs. (And yes, I believe that they are two different things.)
  47. For the kisses.
  48. For the TV shows.
  49. For the new albums.
  50. For the possibility of it getting better.

Just keep going.

xx

Boys, boys, idiots and boys.

In my last post, I was debating a situation involving a lad in the year above. Remember? No? Didn’t think so.

Well… I just bit the bullet so to speak and just told him that I’d had enough. Not in those words, obviously, before you bite my head off for being mean.

The thing is… I had a day off school for the strikes on Tuesday and was hanging out with some friends for the day. He knew this. He knew because he’d asked me about four times previous to said day off. I swear the boy has the memory of a goldfish…

Getting back on track. So, I’d mentioned that I was with friends and if I didn’t reply for a while, that was why. But what did I get?

Hiya xx

Hiya xx

U ok xx

Hiya xx

U ok xx

Hiya xx

Wuu2 xx

Hiya xx

*sighs* I’m not even joking. These were half an hour-to an hour and a half apart. If I didn’t reply the first few times, did he not realise that I probably wasn’t going to reply to the next five?! I DO NOT NEED A SPAM OF ‘HIYA’s’ for crying out loud.

At the end of the day, I just felt intoxicated. It was too much; NEWS FLASH: excessive amounts of messages are not hot. Anything but.

Soooo, I just kind of wrote a long winded paragraph full of bull about having a lot of stuff going on  and needing time to myself to sort things out (that much was true), not being ready for a relationship, that he needs to reduce the texts a little, etc etc. I felt so bad, because, of course, I know what it’s like to be on the other side. Buuuuut, at the end of the day, it was infuriating.

He was insistent that we could ‘make it work’ and I just kind of sat there like… hahahahahahahaha no. I’m so nice, aren’t I!

All in all, he seemed to be okay with it, and said he’d leave me alone for a bit.

Did he?

No. No he did not.

The next day:

Hiya

Hiya

U ok?

Have you sorted things out yet?

I cannot sort my life out in a day.

So I told him this and he apologised and again, said he’s leave me be for a while,

Surely he must have done so this time?

Nope.

I think there was a gap of a day. And then came the ‘Hiya’.

I felt obliged to answer so it was small talk like always. I was shopping in town at this time so when he asked what I was up to, I said so. Now, maybe this is just me reading too far into it… But, when he said ‘If u don’t mind me asking who with’ The suffocating feeling returned. Did it really matter? Was he jealous? It just so happened that I was just with my mum and sister, but it just appeared to be very suffocating.

Next came the sob story: the ‘fallen-out-with-a-‘good-mate’-and-I-regret-ever-being-born-and-everyone-hates-me’ sob story to be precise. Oh well done, try to make me feel bad for you.

Ugh.

But I’m just so done with him.

Can't deal with it photo tumblr_m8jhbiHYBx1r9wyf9.gif

And so is the story of… Let’s call him A.G.3. Awkward Guy 3. Pretty apt? Yep.

Moving on to other boys… More interesting boys. *cue excessive winking*

I have decided that the guy who sits next to the twat in front of me in French… *drum roll* is hot. And not so much of a massive twat as I first thought. In fact, he’s really nice. And he talks to me. That’s a first. Plus I have his Snapchat. And he’s tall. Tall guys are just… My dream. He’s beaut. We spend French lessons taking the piss out of the idiot, now named Imbécile which is hilarious. Ahhh, French has suddenly become much more enjoyable. Let’s call said hot guy, …T.H.G.i.F – Tall Hot Guy in French. How creative.

Nom nom nom.

'Did someone say cute boys?'

‘Did someone say cute boys?’

I’m currently having an ongoing war with Skate about who’s hotter. Myself or him. Totes flirtay leik. I’m very much enjoying it.

Bon nuit mes amis.

xx