She still exists?

This was supposed to be published last night, but I ended up finishing it at 1am and my wifi was non-existent. Damn.

Yeeees, I do.

AND SUMMER IS NEARLY UPON US.

I have been meaning to write at least something but I have simply come to the conclusion that my creative instinct has just evaporated or gone for a long holiday to Mexico.

Hmm.

So, how about a mid-year review kind of thing? oh this will be depressing

So, at the start of this year, I did that… *whispers* New Year Plan and as far as you and I are concerned, it never… happened. Okay?

Okay.

See, thing is, nothing has been done about that.

And this is why I don’t make resolutions.

…So… in a moment of desperation, let’s take a look at this… plan.

Blog reflections ~ Considering I started this blog on Christmas Eve 2012, I may as well look back on some of my worst posts ever and laugh and cringe at how badly worded they are and at my failed attempts to make jokes. And just muse over how awesome you all are and wonder about how you don’t realise how much I suck.
Reflections on the past year ~ Basically where I remember all the really bad/awkward/stupid/idiotic things that have happened over the past year and cry about them whilst armed with a pot of Ben and Jerry’s.
Resolutions (and what happened to last year’s) ~ Oh dear.
2014 Bucket List ~ Bucket lists are good, right?
Hopes for 2014 ~ Probably trying to be deep and failing.
Blog ideas and series that I may or may not keep up ~ I have so many ideas lying around so I may as well list them all and have this list as a constant reminder of my decreasing blogging abilities.

Oh god.

Have I done any of these things?

No, no aaaaaand oh look! No!

So, swiftly moving on from that.

What have I done?

Well, are you sitting comfortably?

…Yeah I got nothing.

Is an existential crisis an appropriate reaction to the moment you realise that you have literally done nothing but eat pizza and cry for half a year?

Maybe talking about my current state of affairs would be a better idea. you wish, don’t even pretend you’re doing something with your life

Currently, I am a pizza-devouring, guitar-playing, peach tea-drinking almost-sixteen year old on the brink of crisis. I’m constantly torn between the lust of having electric blue hair and keeping it dragon-scale blonde, as one of my best friends once described it. I long to be a mermaid in a sea of fairy lights but also a shadow, writing dark poetry in the moonlit corner of a room. I watch Supernatural too much and I cry when Dean gets hurt, but I can’t say I care so much about Sam. I eat a lot of pizza and Oreo chocolate and I thank God for fast metabolism. I have the best friends in the universe and am ever so slightly in love with them. I want floral skateboards and snakebites and black and white dresses and books and an endless supply of Ryden fanfic and films and bottles of Jack Daniels and I want 50s swing dresses and Alex Turner and to kiss Andrew Garfield on the cheek and I want tickets to see Arctic Monkeys and to travel the world and I want to feel intoxicated.

But also?

I’m average. I’m fifteen and working at a little garden centre on Saturdays to pay for my music addiction. I’ve talked four people out of suicide and I would be lying if I said I can cope with that. I’ve been advised by a doctor to see a councillor, which isn’t possible for me until next term at least. I’m in a constant battle with my mind and I have a few too many scars to prove it. I’m scared to let people down and I’m scared to see myself get any worse. I don’t know where my relationship is going; I don’t know where I want it to go. I don’t like to admit that I get jealous, or paranoid. I don’t like to admit that I still want to die. Or that I still want to see blood. And I’m sorry we don’t talk as much as we used to. And that I ignore you sometimes. It’s just so loud in my head that I can’t string two words together to tell you that I love you. But I am okay.

And I was not the girl who listened to The Smiths before she heard Asleep in Perks. And sometimes I don’t read the books before I see the films. And I don’t have a fake ID and I’ve never even properly got drunk. I get nervous putting my hand up in class, but I’m good at small talk. My idol appears naked on her album cover and is known to be one of the most reckless females in the rock industry but I’m self-conscious and I’ve never had a detention. And I would like to say I don’t care about anything but I have to please people. And sometimes I like to talk to people just because they try. And I’m prone to mood swings and sometimes I hurt people and say the wrong things. My sister is one of my closest friends and I rely on her a lot. I’d like to say that the only person I rely on is myself but I need certain people to stay alive.

And I would say that I am rather quite unextraordinary.

So.

Mid-year review?

Ordinary. But okay.

Les nouveaux événements dans la vie de Alex.

(I have no idea whether that title is even remotely right am I supposed to care about this but yeah this is an update post after my shoooooort *cough* month-long *cough* absence… come on, it’s not like no one else takes a hiatus once in a while, shut up and judge me)
It’s the Easter holidays right now where I’m from (yeah we apparently have different holidays to the rest of the UK, like whose amazing idea was that, HMMM?) so I’m still off school for another week-SWEAR TO GOD, WORDPRESS ON TABLET IS THE MOST GODDAMN PISSTAKING THING EVER TO GRACE THE EARTH-. I’m visiting my grandparents from Tuesday to Thursday this week in the south so chocolate, coffee cake (best thing ever) aaaand a load of posh accents ^-^ *casually offends like, a third of the British population*. So that means no wifi unless casually walking through Chichester where random wifi signals decide to throw themselves at me. Also, Chichester means Jack Wills. Jack Wills means basically looking at all the clothes that I can’t afford and then wallowing in my sadness as I eat overly expensive cupcakes for the sake of it.


…That means no posts or replies hahaha like I post anyway for a few days buuuut I’m sure you will all survive without me.

Sooooo, the happenings.

Only 18 days until I see my babies, Panic!, in Manchester, which I’m incredibly excited about because YES. This being the second time of seeing them, I think I’m possibly even more excited as I know how amazing it’ll be aaaaand I know how excited it’s making two of my besties as this is their first time a) seeing Panic! and b) going to a gig like this. Another of our… Well… I’m not going to refer to him as a friend because he was pretty much 50% to blame for a fall out that pretty much split our group into thirds… But anyway he (let’s call him N) decided to invite himself which pissed us off to no extent. However, this does mean that if he decides to be a twat again, as he’s relying on the one person he’s been the worst to for transport, we can just casually drop it that he’ll have to find his own way to Manchester. Hah.


Also, I got tickets to see Tonight Alive at the end of November which will be amaaaazing ^-^ Plus tickets are pretty cheap (£13.75) sooooo why not?

Moving on, it’s almost 5 months with Skate now. He’s trying to get me into skateboarding so I now have one of his old decks propped up against my radiator. It is a loooot harder than you think, but it is fun so we’ll see how it goes.

Last night I went to a funfair for like, the first time possibly in my life? It was on my bucket list so myself, my sister (C), my friend (L) and her sister, also friends with my sister (M) went to the local Easter fair which, I believe, happens every year round here.

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There was this small caterpillar rollercoaster (exactly the same as the one in Twinlakes if anyone from the UK has ever been) so, naturally! my sister, who is now 18, and I sat at the back like mature teenagers and definitely did not scream when it dropped like, a metre don’t judge me, okay, I wasn’t expecting it. There was one of the sky flyer things, the one that has the swings on the outside and then it goes up and spins around. It was pretty high so you could see the sunset and it was pretty beautiful. Then we ate candy floss amongst all the lights in the dark and it was just a really nice night, almost like living my childhood now as I never really lived it when I should have done.

Speaking of childhood, I was in WH Smiths the other day and came across a shelf of books from a series called ‘Magic Kitten’ by Sue Bentley. You may have heard of them or seen them around, especially if you live in the UK. They look like this:

20140421-112935.jpg

These were like, my favourite books from when I was about 6-7 years old and so, in 2007, I wrote to the author and we ended up writing to each other until late 2011. That’s pretty cool, come to think of it, but the coolest thing is, in 2009, she actually based the main character in one of the Magic Pony books (adventurous titles, I know), on me so it’s no coincidence that the girl in Showjumping Dreams is called Alexandra. I just remembered that the other day when I saw it on the shelf. I also got one of the Magic Puppy books before it was published, being the special kid I was.

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So, there’s a piece of nostalgia for you. But I’m going to end this now as I can see you getting excruciatingly bored, plus I have an awards post to write see, Mia, I did post… Eventually so adios, cuties, until next time. Xx

The happenings.

So I realised that I haven’t actually done an update post as such in a while… Since 31st December actually.

I KID, I KID. I am very sorry indeed.

After a lot of low-mood posts (which, again, I apologise for as this blog has lacked happiness lately), this one should be a little more lighthearted.

Anyway, let me start by letting our dear Channing Tatum tell you a thing.

Awh, cheers, Channing.

stop talking to gifs you idiot

I can tell this post is going to be so ridiculously crap… TURN BACK NOW. 

please don’t go

*Josh Franceschi voice* STAAAAAAAAAAY WIIIIIIIIITH MEEEEEEEEEE-goddammit, Alex, shut up.

get on with it

Okay, so, firstly, last week I saw Fall Out Boy who were absolutely incredible. They were supported by The Pretty Reckless, who were just… I can’t even begin to describe how amazing that was, and New Politics who are still as adorable as ever.

We were in one of the middle stands so although we were pretty far away (meaning I couldn’t see Taylor Momsen’s face *cries*), we still had a pretty good view.

New Politics

New Politics

New Politics were the first support act and, as these have become one of my favourite bands since they supported Panic! At The Disco, myself, my sister and two of my best friends were screaming… Pretty loudly… Alone… In a room full of people who didn’t give a shit. Same for The Pretty Reckless:

The Pretty Reckless

The Pretty Reckless

Plus, of course there had to be the awkward silence during Heaven Knows where literally no one was singing back to them. *cringes*

Anyway, they were friiiicking amazing, Taylor sounded exactly as she does on the records and just… YES. SO MUCH YES.

(Heaven Knows – Sorry about the sound quality)

Fall Out Boy then came on and the entire place went wild.

Fall Out Boy

Fall Out Boy

IMG_2201

(My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark – again, apologies for quality, and the out of tune screaming at ‘I’m on fire’ XD)

Anyway, that’s enough of that for now (there’ll be a post about this up on my music blog, which I will introduce in another post as it’s not ready yet procrastination, soon).

Back in February, I saw Taylor Swift in London, supported by The Vamps and a surprise appearance from Ed Sheeran (I see the envy in your eyes hehe). I think I screamed louder when Ed appeared than when Taylor did, but there we go. 😀 That was also amazing.

The O2 Arena, London

The O2 Arena, London

*cries because Ed Sheeran*

*cries because Ed Sheeran*

Lego House

Lego House

Again, there’ll probably be a full post up on my other blog soon, if you’d like to read it.

Hopefully, HOPEFULLY, I might be at Reading festival this summer… HOPEFULLY. I’m relying on my sister to drive… (if you’re reading this, you know I love you and you know you really want to go, don’t you 😉 ) Hehe. The line up is incredible this year:

Paramore, Deaf Havana, Jimmy Eat World, Arctic Monkeys, Imagine Dragons, Foster The People (I rediscovered Pumped Up Kicks and oh my), Blink-182, You Me At Six, A Day To Remember, Sleeping With Sirens, Disclosure, The 1975, Clean Bandit (the amount of times Rather Be has been played on the radio is ridiculous but I can’t help but sing along), Don Bronco… Plus so many others.

Hit The Deck festival is also a possibility, with Kids In Glass Houses and The Maine, plus a shit tonne of others.

So, with a bit of luck, something might be possible.

Anyway, I guess I don’t have much else to say.

Life has been pretty uninteresting recently, apart from friends being twats, boys being twats, parents being… well, twats aaaaand that’s pretty much it!

It shouldn’t be too long before another post like this, or at least something lighthearted. A summer post will be up pretty soon too (I was making a moodboard in media class and it made me lust summer so much, like, I can’t even):

The amount of hipster on this is dangerous...

The amount of hipster on this is dangerous…

And so I think I’ll end that here, thanks for reading as always, I love your face.

xx

P.s. Pssst, you can follow my tumblr (http://onthecornerof4thandfremont.tumblr.com/) for a load of band posts and random shit (I’d like to say I have a theme but I really don’t XD) Xx

Forever and why I don’t want it.

Capture

My boyfriend said this to me yesterday. In case you’re not familiar, my boyfriend, I believe I call him Skate here, so Skate and I have been together for three months after being close for just under a year. I love him. And I know that this, again, is a generic teenage thing so say but you know when you love someone, right, and I know that I love him. We’re long distance, if you can call it that. There’s a hour between him and I. But I suppose these things don’t really come into this. Perhaps a little, but only a little. Despite the distance, it’s still amazing. This is the boy who, every day, makes sure that I’m okay and tells me that he loves me, who every time I see him, tells me I’m beautiful and perfect, and that I’m too good for him. This is the boy who will do anything to make me feel better and will be there through anything and who, along with those few incredible others (yes, you know who you are…), has kept me alive.

But ‘forever’ scares me. We all seem to be looking for a forever and waiting for a forever, maybe just waiting for the right forever, but a forever all the same… But… Why?

The thought of staying with one person for the rest of your life frightens me a little and maybe that’s a little strange as why would you not want to find that one, utterly perfect person who will never leave you and who will stay with you through everything?

Part of me, I suppose, does want that a little. And I know that when I am older, and more okay in myself, then I will want it.

Perhaps it’s partly the fault of the music industry. Maybe ‘fault’ is the wrong word… ‘influence’ may be better here. I say this because it is telling us that love doesn’t work out and that forever doesn’t mean forever and that when a person tells you that they won’t let you down, they’re lying and they hurt you so much that you can’t take it.

I don’t want to be the girl in the songs; the girl that expects forever when he tells her he’ll be her Always, the girl who gets hurt every time because he changed his mind.

Also, I am fifteen. That means… Possibly eighty more years with one person. Eighty. That’s a little terrifying, if I’m honest.

Plus, how can you be sure that you’re with the right person if you’ve never been with anyone else?

I know this post may seem awfully pessimistic and negative about the whole ‘love’ thing, but I really hope it doesn’t. I don’t believe I’m being a pessimist, more so a realist who is slightly scared of eternity. Of course, I’m not saying that ‘forever’ doesn’t exist, of course it does for so, so many people, but it just doesn’t exist for me right now. And it makes me sad, because I know that when my forever ends, my forever with Skate… He might still want that forever and I’ll end up hurting him and that is the last thing that I want to do. Bearing in mind that he was almost on the brink of tears when saying the things he did. For now, I do, somewhat, have a forever, our little forever, but I know that my forever won’t be an eternity.

xx

Empty.

Empty.

An existence. One filled with a ‘feeling’ so hard to comprehend, and consequently, inexplicably hard to define.

Being empty is when you are running on only the most necessary state of mind needed for the simplest survival; you carry out day-to-day tasks without realising. You walk, you eat, you drink, you sit down, you lie down, you stare, you disappear. You don’t realise.

Being empty is when you see your reflection and see it as just a reflection of a person whom you do not recognise. It is when you stand and stare at the person in the mirror for endless minutes, thinking nothing, seeing nothing. You do not see the emotions or the history behind the skin. You see only a person, it is not you, is it even a reflection any more?

Being empty is when you hit things, punch walls, cut deep, without a second thought. It is when you wait for the pain to set in because you need it so badly to remind you that you are still alive, not just in a limbo of confused existence. It is when you don’t even realise you needed the pain, you just do it as a reflex.

Being empty is being physically unable to move or talk or listen. You cannot move from your state of paralysis in front of the mirror or in the corner of your room. You cannot move the fingers that you have so intricately entwined with a blade away from your wrist. You cannot answer the question you were just asked. You cannot recognise the words that are being spoken.

Being empty is where you see only denotation. The connotations you automatically think have disappeared and you are left with nothing but ‘ceiling’, ‘rain’, ‘blood’.

Being empty is where you are not sad, nor happy, nor angry. You feel them all at once, in a rush so strong that you cannot feel them at all. Perhaps it could be said that there is so much emotion that there is none.

Being empty is where you do not know which is worse; the emotion or the state of numbness.

Being empty is when you do not feel. Being empty is when you cannot feel. Being empty is being a ghost.

Being empty is feeling nothing when your lover kisses you or wraps his arms around you and holds you tight. It is feeling nothing when she strokes your face and tells you that it is going to be alright.

Being empty is when you cannot cry because there is nothing to bring the tears, despite the millions of thoughts that circled in your mind just ten minutes ago.

Being empty is not living.

Being empty is existing.

Being empty is being hopeless.

Insignificant Numbers. (and whatever else.)

Ah, hello. Nice to see you again.

SO YES, I AM BACK, HELLO HELLO, you’ve missed me? Aw thanks- they didn’t, stop flattering yourself -Great.

Anyway, whether or not you did miss me, I am back from yet another short spell of blog neglect. Yes, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, okay, I’m sorry. 

Um.

Alright, let’s start over.

*cough*

Let’s just pretend I haven’t been neglecting my blog and let’s pretend that I haven’t left about twenty different drafts unfinished because of my new Supernatural addiction and let’s ramble on about my insignificant being for a few hundred words.

What’s been happening in la vie de moi?

Actually, quite a lot. (Yes, I’m as surprised as you are.)

Firstly, I reached 100 followers on this blog about a week or so ago, which is, although probably a rather insignificant to some of you blog-famous people, kind of crazy for me. I was going to dedicate an entire post to this (wow, dedication, so much effort required) but I knew that wouldn’t get done so I suppose this is just a little thing to say thank you. This came just before my one year anniversary (Christmas Eve) so that was pretty damn cool. Truthfully, I never even thought I’d have five followers, let alone over a hundred. You guys are aware that I actually suck in real life, right? You’re not supposed to tell them that, idiot. But to all of you who follow me, or are reading this right now, or have ever read this stupid excuse of a blog, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’ve made some amazing friends this year through blogging (you know who you are) but this is going to be in my new year post (that I’ll probably finish in July or something, knowing me) so I won’t say much more on the subject. Buuut, yes, thank you all, you’re all fabby.

Secondly, I finally saw Imagine Dragons in November and, as expected, they were absolutely incredible. Plus, I held eye contact with Wayne for twenty seconds, and they were the most amazing twenty seconds of my life.

IMG_1922

I’ll do another post with more photos soon because I have so much to say about them and so many pictures to show you hehehe, jealous yet? and just wow.

Thirdly, you know Skate? Of course they know Skate, you’re always mentioning him, you creeper. Well, I may have somehow, somehow, managed to capture him. (In other words, he’s my boyfriend.) Hahahahaha, I know, I can assure you, I am just as surprised as you are; I mean, this is Skate. Le Sexy Garçon. That boy. What. What. That was weird. Really weird. But I love it. The only downside is  the distance (he lives about an hour away), however it’s not too bad. That’s what Skype and trains are for, right?

Fourthly, I got tickets to see Fall Out Boy, supported by New Politics and The Pretty Reckless, which is going to be AMAZING, and THEN, I ALSO GOT TICKETS TO SEE PANIC AGAIN IN MAY AND OH MY GOD, I CAN’T BREATHE AGAIN.

Gigs are now my life.

Speaking of which, I am going to start a music blog (yes, I know, I can’t even keep up with this one, let alone two) but I had a brief moment of realisation today. You see, in the future, my ideal career lies in music journalism, (preferably for the likes of Kerrang! or other music magazines) and I’ve always known that a good way to get an advantage over others is to have a blog, one which you can show potential employers in order to show them what you do. However, I am not about to show them this one (not a good idea to give them an insight into my fifteen year old weirdass mind) so, why not make a dedicated music blog?

I can’t say I’m entirely sure how well it’ll work out, but it’s worth a try. Moreover, if any of you would like to be part of it, please tell me because it would be awesome to get a load of you involved considering you all have impeccable taste and with more people, we can cover a wider range of music and make it a bigger project. But, it’s all voluntary so feel free to do whatever. Just let me know in the comments or through my contact page and we’ll sort something out!

But, for now, that is all from me as it is nearly 1am and my writing capabilities are slowly deteriorating yet again.

Another post later, most likely, considering it is now new year’s eve and it is only fitting.

Love you all, I hope you all have a lovely day and, for those of you in different time zones, happy new year!

Xx

Boys, boys, idiots and boys.

In my last post, I was debating a situation involving a lad in the year above. Remember? No? Didn’t think so.

Well… I just bit the bullet so to speak and just told him that I’d had enough. Not in those words, obviously, before you bite my head off for being mean.

The thing is… I had a day off school for the strikes on Tuesday and was hanging out with some friends for the day. He knew this. He knew because he’d asked me about four times previous to said day off. I swear the boy has the memory of a goldfish…

Getting back on track. So, I’d mentioned that I was with friends and if I didn’t reply for a while, that was why. But what did I get?

Hiya xx

Hiya xx

U ok xx

Hiya xx

U ok xx

Hiya xx

Wuu2 xx

Hiya xx

*sighs* I’m not even joking. These were half an hour-to an hour and a half apart. If I didn’t reply the first few times, did he not realise that I probably wasn’t going to reply to the next five?! I DO NOT NEED A SPAM OF ‘HIYA’s’ for crying out loud.

At the end of the day, I just felt intoxicated. It was too much; NEWS FLASH: excessive amounts of messages are not hot. Anything but.

Soooo, I just kind of wrote a long winded paragraph full of bull about having a lot of stuff going on  and needing time to myself to sort things out (that much was true), not being ready for a relationship, that he needs to reduce the texts a little, etc etc. I felt so bad, because, of course, I know what it’s like to be on the other side. Buuuuut, at the end of the day, it was infuriating.

He was insistent that we could ‘make it work’ and I just kind of sat there like… hahahahahahahaha no. I’m so nice, aren’t I!

All in all, he seemed to be okay with it, and said he’d leave me alone for a bit.

Did he?

No. No he did not.

The next day:

Hiya

Hiya

U ok?

Have you sorted things out yet?

I cannot sort my life out in a day.

So I told him this and he apologised and again, said he’s leave me be for a while,

Surely he must have done so this time?

Nope.

I think there was a gap of a day. And then came the ‘Hiya’.

I felt obliged to answer so it was small talk like always. I was shopping in town at this time so when he asked what I was up to, I said so. Now, maybe this is just me reading too far into it… But, when he said ‘If u don’t mind me asking who with’ The suffocating feeling returned. Did it really matter? Was he jealous? It just so happened that I was just with my mum and sister, but it just appeared to be very suffocating.

Next came the sob story: the ‘fallen-out-with-a-‘good-mate’-and-I-regret-ever-being-born-and-everyone-hates-me’ sob story to be precise. Oh well done, try to make me feel bad for you.

Ugh.

But I’m just so done with him.

Can't deal with it photo tumblr_m8jhbiHYBx1r9wyf9.gif

And so is the story of… Let’s call him A.G.3. Awkward Guy 3. Pretty apt? Yep.

Moving on to other boys… More interesting boys. *cue excessive winking*

I have decided that the guy who sits next to the twat in front of me in French… *drum roll* is hot. And not so much of a massive twat as I first thought. In fact, he’s really nice. And he talks to me. That’s a first. Plus I have his Snapchat. And he’s tall. Tall guys are just… My dream. He’s beaut. We spend French lessons taking the piss out of the idiot, now named Imbécile which is hilarious. Ahhh, French has suddenly become much more enjoyable. Let’s call said hot guy, …T.H.G.i.F – Tall Hot Guy in French. How creative.

Nom nom nom.

'Did someone say cute boys?'

‘Did someone say cute boys?’

I’m currently having an ongoing war with Skate about who’s hotter. Myself or him. Totes flirtay leik. I’m very much enjoying it.

Bon nuit mes amis.

xx