I am human and I will let you down.

Here, for those of you in the Supernatural fandom, have a shit-tonne of feels. I found this song through an Instagram post a short while ago and it was the shot of Jared holding the card saying, ‘I am human, I am human, I am human and I will let you down.’ This is not okay. Not. Okay.

Anyway, I found the song just today however the picture itself hadn’t left my mind since the first time I saw it. And maybe that’s because it holds so much truth. Another song, Far From Never by The Pretty Reckless, includes the line, ‘no one will never let you down’ which I have begun to be accustomed to saying in the recent months since I heard that song for the first time also.

With risk of seeming incredibly pessimistic, when someone tells you that they’re never going to let you down, no matter how genuine they are or how much they mean it, they will.

It may well just be something incredibly small, but all the same, it hurts.

But this is human nature, we simply cannot build relationships with other people without something sometimes getting in the way, that’s just how it is.

Also, I’m not saying that as soon as someone lets you down, that’ll be the end of it, because for the majority of the time, it won’t be, and I firmly believe that people deserve second chances, sometimes third chances, but it’s when you find yourself continuously giving someone more chances that it becomes a problem.

Anyway, that kind of swerved a little away from the original thought (and I apologise for the fact that this is incredibly poorly written, I may well rewrite this sometime).

I don’t tell people that I’ll never let them down any more. It’s not true.

And when, during a fall out or argument or whatever you so wish to imagine, they tell me that I told them that I’d never let them down, I know that I said exactly the opposite.

xx

(A more light-hearted post will be up soon, don’t worry ^-^)

Well well well.

I just realised I haven’t posted anything for about 12 days… So much for that 10 day challenge then. I’m going to continue that from now on. I’ve had so much homework recently that I just haven’t had time to write anything. But hey, I’m back now!
I realise this may be quite a long post so I’m going to do two seperate posts: one about the awkward-guy-friend sit (this one) and another about other shiz. So anyway, here goes.

I found this picture and it explains it exactly.

I found this picture and it explains it exactly.

Awkward guy friend number 2. – Well, awkward-guy-friend-2 has basically been ignoring me ever since the awkward-guy-friend-1 incident. Yeah, that’s about 3 and a half weeks. I spent those weeks debating whether to talk to him about it or whether to just let him get on with it. I decided to just let him get on with it for a long time and I endured being totally isolated and ignored since the start of term again. When le sexy garçon (that’s his new name now by the way) came to talk to me that time (yeah, that amazing conversation aah) the two awkward-guy-friends got the jist of the situation. And then a.g.f.1 (awkward-guy-friend-1) went colder and colder. He’d only speak to me when he absolutely had to, for example when he had to do a science assessment. TOGETHER. Yup, that was awkward. So yeah, that got me down. Big time. But I just thought, ‘you know what? Fuck it.’ Because if he doesn’t want to be friends, fine by me. I guess I just saw his dark side. But then my best mate said I should talk to him. So I did. And basically, to put it briefly, this is what I found out:
He was pissed off because of le sexy garçon because in his words, ‘It was like *le sexy garçon* comes along and bam you’re done with me.’ He actually thought there could be something between us and because of L.S.G he thought ‘it was all broken.’ Then he went on to say how he wasn’t like awkward-guy-friend-1 because he loved me unconditionally. He hated having so much tension between us etc etc etc.’
1. To be ‘done’ with someone, there has to be something there before. Maybe he just meant as in friendship but reading the rest of it, I think not. There was nothing there anyway so I don’t know what he thought.
2. ‘I love you unconditionally.’ – Okay. I’m sorry but really? What do we know about ‘unconditional love’? And surely if it was unconditional, he wouldn’t have been so cold with me.
3. If you hated the tension, why did you do it? JUST HAVE A FREAKING ARGUMENT WITH ME NEXT TIME. My speciality.

I mean, there was a hell of a lot in that conversation, but that was the main bits I guess. He apologised, and said he was acting like a complete idiot, which he was. My sister (hey if you’re reading this, which you shouldn’t be) said he was acting like a bitchy teenage girl. Which is very true actually. I was in tears during this conversation (thanks to ma soeur for making me feel okay, love you) because no matter how many apologies we exchanged, I knew it wouldn’t be the same again. I knew I’d lost one of my best friends, and then knowing what I’d just found out, I knew I’d probably broken his heart. HAHAHA- 2 guys in the space of under a month. Slut. No I’m not exactly feeling good about it, oh no. I feel really bad. But the worst thing about this is that I begin to question myself. I make myself think that I’m the one to blame. I’m not. I can’t help it if I don’t like my friend in that way. I can’t change it. And I’m not going to.
It’s been a bit better since that conversation two days ago. Slightly better. We’re talking to each other for starters. It can still be slightly awkward, but that’s what I expected. In maths today (I think I failed my assessment AHAHAHA. Why do I find that funny?) we had to work together. At one point, he just kind of looked up at me. Not saying anything, he just looked into my eyes and smiled. AWKWARD. I had to look away. Then when I glanced back, he was still doing it. DAFUQ?! I just awkwardly laughed and tried to get on with matching the stupid statements up. I could still feel his gaze and it was oppressive. I just got up and walked away ‘to get some paper’. We didn’t need paper, I just did it to get away. It did the trick though.
So I’ll just see how it goes. I know it won’t be the same, but it might get better. Maybe.

Awkward-guy-friend-1 has been surprisingly alright with it considering what happened. He hasn’t changed, and it’s no where near as awkward as I thought it’d be. Occasionellement, he makes jokes about le sexy garçon. (Or as one of my other friends calls him, Kennedy. It was code because le sexy garçon was in earshot XD) But they’re all lighthearted and can sometimes be quite amusing actually. O___o

We’re studying Much Ado About Nothing in English and we’re watching the film. Some of the things said were so relatable and I almost started crying at one point because it just brought back all the pain of the awkward-guy-friend-1-ignoring-me-and-hating-my-guts-yet-saying-he-loves-me situation. And I could see from across the room that he was thinking the same thing.

xx

*angry face*

Long story short, I get pissed off. A lot. Very quickly and very easily. And by almost anything.
My mood can change in a second. I can be happy, bubbly and cheerful and then something would happen and BAM. I’m now transformed into a moody bitch.
It’s not something I’m proud of and I’m constantly being told that I need to control my temper, I need to calm down, I need to stop getting wound up so easily… etc etc etc. I realise this and I try. I really do, but nothing works. I guess I’ll grow out of it, but for now, I just have to try to keep calm.

Picture of me 1

…Well that would be a hell of a lot easier of I didn’t have people moaning at me all the time, or being insensitive little twats.
A lot of the time, I’d come home from school, all happy, and then someone totally ruins everything by yelling at me. Yay. This happens a lot.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my family. But over the past year, my parents have become further and further away… Mum doesn’t tell us anything (so how are we, my sister and I, supposed to feel comfortable talking to her about stuff) like she didn’t tell us that one of my grandparents had cancer, that my dad was on anti-depressants because a situation at his work was so bad, etc etc. Those are just some of the things she has kept from us. We found out by accident… overhearing phone conversations, seeing open emails. Another thing that gets me seriously pissed off is that she tells her friends everything about us. Stuff they shouldn’t know; personal things. Thanks mother. Also, shouldn’t mothers be supportive? Shouldn’t they be encouraging and enthusiastic? Ha. Mines not. She is constantly being negative and this affects my sister (who is a few years older than me and doing her A-Levels) more than me. Plus, she is hardly understanding. We can’t tell her anything. In a way, this has brought my sister and I closer together because she is the one I talk to if I need help.
Then comes my ‘friends’. In fact, I’m not even going to start on that.
So this year, I’m going to try and not get so annoyed at everything and hopefully that will make me a nicer person.
Lastly, thanks so much for all the support you guys gave on my previous post and also thanks for telling me about your own experiences (thanks you two). I’ll be posting again today, but I thought I should finish this post as it has been sitting as a draft for days. I have been at my grandparents the past few days without wifi so that’s why I haven’t been posting.
But for now, have an amazing new year everyone!
xx

I think too much.

tears

I think too much. And quite a lot of the time, it’s not a good thing. I just find myself thinking too deeply about things I don’t want to think about at all. Like what happened exactly a week ago today.

This is what happened:

I have quite a large group of friends, and just under half of those are boys. Boy mates are really awesome. Until they ask you out.

Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why??

Now, I’m not the best of friends with this guy, but we’re still kinda close I guess. We’ve had a lot of fall outs and fights over the past year and all that anger can just come flooding back with the smallest mistake. My best friend was the one who rekindled our friendship. She just made me think about it differently, and if she hadn’t had done that, I would still be totally ignoring him and just hating the sight of him. Harsh, I know.

But it was all ok for a while. I still fight with him, but it’s more playful banter than anything else.

Then came the ice skating trip. I’m a bit crap at ice skating. I got quite good towards the end but before that, I simply felt more comfortable if I was linked to someone. So, being the stupid girl that I am, skated round, hand in hand with all the boys in our group. I never meant it to mean anything, god no, and I didn’t think anyone else would.I mean my best friend was doing it too and they didn’t take that seriously. I just did it because I found it easier.

So, ignoring the fact that he was not the only boy to hold my hand that day, I guess he probably thought there was something in it, and that night he asked me out. By text. So that was an extremely awkward night, sending him extremely long replies saying how sorry I was and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt him, etc etc. He said he understood, but knowing him, he was probably crying in the corner of his room. And I felt fucking terrible. I felt so bad.

The next day was the last day of term and we had the awkward goodbyes and hugging situation to face. My best friend nearly had a heart attack when I told her on the bus that morning, she couldn’t quite believe it. Whilst trying to console the broken hearted boy I’d just rejected, we both agreed it wouldn’t change anything and it wouldn’t be awkward. Well that was never going to happen. Of course it was going to be awkward!! Luckily we only had a half day because it was the end of term, so I only had one lesson with him and break. I avoided eye contact with him through maths, which wasn’t hard seeing as we were just watching Madagascar 3 on YouTube. Then we had drama in which we watched Brave. All the way through it, I was just dreading the time where we would have to go for break.

That time came and we all met up at our usual place. Awkward smiles were exchanged and that was pretty much it. Then there was the bell and before dispersing to our separate form rooms, everyone hugged each other awkwardly. I gave him an awkward hug, (I swear he has never hugged anyone in his life, it was the crappiest hug ever), and wished him a merry Christmas as I walked off.

So that was alright…

But he hadn’t got over it. iMessage conversations with my bezzie proved that.

I just had to keep telling myself I did the the right thing, for me.
So I was beginning to feel slightly less terrible and awkward about the situation but then came the awkward conversation with my second best mate who happens to be a boy. Can you see where this is going?
He said about feeling betrayed by this guy: ‘he knows how much I like you, then he asks you out’ (what kind of ‘like’ is this??) And then he went on about finding a new, different kind of love for someone and surely it would work better if they were close friends?
While this was going on, all I was thinking was, ‘shit.’ After many attempts to get the message across that I didn’t want a relationship with anyone at the moment, I eventually just said I had to go.
I used to feel so happy and comfortable talking to him, and we’d talk about a lot… but now I don’t want to talk at all. It feels like I’ve lost one of my best friends, and he has no idea.
There are no x’s any more, no smilies, no jokes. No ‘hey!’s 3 times a day any more. Not from me anyway.
And this is what happens when I think too much. Am I just reading into it too much?

Before I go, one piece of advice:

Don’t crush on your mates, if you can help it, and unless you know they feel the same way, definitely don’t ask them out. It ends with heartbreak and tears on both sides.

Hey, world, I’ve started a blog!

Hey, welcome, bonjour, hola, hallo, aloha, hai, etc.
Thanks for reading this first of all, you’re helping me look less of a loner talking to herself! Which I am… *awkward*
Anyways, I started this blog because I wanted to just talk about life, you know, to people who will listen and maybe have the same problems or interests as me.
I have another blog, which is in a completely different style to this (it’s written in the voice of my dog: www.thelastwoof.wordpress.com go check it out 😉 that would be awesome) I love writing thelastwoof, but as you can probably guess my ideas are limited and there have been many times where I have wanted to write about more personal stuff but of course I couldn’t (it doesn’t apply to my dog). So I started girlwiththesilverlocket.
I’ll be writing about a load of random shiz, posting photos, and whatever else I feel like doing. So please, if you’d like to listen to a random British girl who is trying her hardest to think about what she wants in life, then please follow me! It will make me feel better – I won’t just be talking to myself any more! XD
And if you have similar interests or problems, etc, comment below and we can make each other feel better or just spaz out at the thought of Tom Daley or something… 😀

Thanks for reading!! Have a great day!

xx