Empty.

Empty.

An existence. One filled with a ‘feeling’ so hard to comprehend, and consequently, inexplicably hard to define.

Being empty is when you are running on only the most necessary state of mind needed for the simplest survival; you carry out day-to-day tasks without realising. You walk, you eat, you drink, you sit down, you lie down, you stare, you disappear. You don’t realise.

Being empty is when you see your reflection and see it as just a reflection of a person whom you do not recognise. It is when you stand and stare at the person in the mirror for endless minutes, thinking nothing, seeing nothing. You do not see the emotions or the history behind the skin. You see only a person, it is not you, is it even a reflection any more?

Being empty is when you hit things, punch walls, cut deep, without a second thought. It is when you wait for the pain to set in because you need it so badly to remind you that you are still alive, not just in a limbo of confused existence. It is when you don’t even realise you needed the pain, you just do it as a reflex.

Being empty is being physically unable to move or talk or listen. You cannot move from your state of paralysis in front of the mirror or in the corner of your room. You cannot move the fingers that you have so intricately entwined with a blade away from your wrist. You cannot answer the question you were just asked. You cannot recognise the words that are being spoken.

Being empty is where you see only denotation. The connotations you automatically think have disappeared and you are left with nothing but ‘ceiling’, ‘rain’, ‘blood’.

Being empty is where you are not sad, nor happy, nor angry. You feel them all at once, in a rush so strong that you cannot feel them at all. Perhaps it could be said that there is so much emotion that there is none.

Being empty is where you do not know which is worse; the emotion or the state of numbness.

Being empty is when you do not feel. Being empty is when you cannot feel. Being empty is being a ghost.

Being empty is feeling nothing when your lover kisses you or wraps his arms around you and holds you tight. It is feeling nothing when she strokes your face and tells you that it is going to be alright.

Being empty is when you cannot cry because there is nothing to bring the tears, despite the millions of thoughts that circled in your mind just ten minutes ago.

Being empty is not living.

Being empty is existing.

Being empty is being hopeless.

Today I’m… Okay.

Funny thing is, ‘okay’ sounds like something that’s just, well, okay. Nothing particularly uplifting or special, just okay. But now… Now I’ve found that ‘okay’ is a luxury, a rarity that is worth more right now than I ever thought it would. To be ‘okay’ is to feel some happiness, and happiness is a virtue that I appreciate more than ever now I’ve experienced how it feels to be without happiness for such a length of time that all hope seems to disappear.

Recently, things have gone downhill; a never-ending fog of internal darkness that just doesn’t go away.

But today… Today I’m okay.

I hope you are too, don’t give up.

xx

Reasons To Carry On 1-50

A few nights ago, or sometime last week, I was having one of my worst days. Not because anything had happened, not particularly, it was just one of those nights where I’d just lie in the darkness doing everything to hold myself together. It was one of the Tidal Wave nights (I wrote a post on it in July which you can read here but it’s really bad and probably not worth reading) and I suddenly had a thought that kind of scared me.

Why am I still alive?

The scary thing was, it was a real, genuine question. I realised how ready I was to give up. Not that I was suicidal, not quite, just so close to losing every hope in myself and in life.

And so, I decided to finally do something that I’d been thinking about for a while; I began a list of reasons to carry on, reasons to be alive.

It was surprisingly hard just to think of one hundred reasons, however I’m determined to build it until it hits one thousand. Currently I have 104. Right now, I’m going to give you 50 of these, then another 50 in another post, etc, and this will become a series in the hope that someone, somewhere, will find some hope in it and will find something they can relate to whatever they’re going through.

So I’ll stop talking and copy out my list, bearing in mind, this is my list, so I have some more personal things on there (e.g. specific friends and people) but I’ll just work around those. I hope this can help someone remember why they’re still here.

  1. For __________ (my best friend).
  2. For __________.
  3. For friends.
  4. For my sister.
  5. For everyone who loves you.
  6. For __________.
  7. For my dog.
  8. For the summer.
  9. For the winter.
  10. For the autumn…
  11. And for the spring.
  12. For the night sky.
  13. For the moon at every beautiful phase.
  14. For all the stars.
  15. For everyone who hasn’t given up.
  16. For the stage.
  17. For the rain.
  18. For the storms.
  19. For the sunny days.
  20. For the dreams.
  21. For the guitar.
  22. For ___________.
  23. For ___________.
  24. For the bloggers.
  25. For the amazing eyeliner days. :’)
  26. For Panic!
  27. For the gigs.
  28. For the music.
  29. For the bands.
  30. For the good days.
  31. For the novels.
  32. For the laughs,
  33. For the inside jokes.
  34. For the smiles.
  35. For the ability to start again.
  36. For the sunsets.
  37. For the sunrises.
  38. For __________.
  39. For the amazing clothes.
  40. For the relationships.
  41. For the friendships.
  42. For the new, exciting crushes (shush, you have to love them!)
  43. For the adventure.
  44. For travelling the world.
  45. For the cuddles.
  46. For the hugs. (And yes, I believe that they are two different things.)
  47. For the kisses.
  48. For the TV shows.
  49. For the new albums.
  50. For the possibility of it getting better.

Just keep going.

xx

Well well well.

I just realised I haven’t posted anything for about 12 days… So much for that 10 day challenge then. I’m going to continue that from now on. I’ve had so much homework recently that I just haven’t had time to write anything. But hey, I’m back now!
I realise this may be quite a long post so I’m going to do two seperate posts: one about the awkward-guy-friend sit (this one) and another about other shiz. So anyway, here goes.

I found this picture and it explains it exactly.

I found this picture and it explains it exactly.

Awkward guy friend number 2. – Well, awkward-guy-friend-2 has basically been ignoring me ever since the awkward-guy-friend-1 incident. Yeah, that’s about 3 and a half weeks. I spent those weeks debating whether to talk to him about it or whether to just let him get on with it. I decided to just let him get on with it for a long time and I endured being totally isolated and ignored since the start of term again. When le sexy garçon (that’s his new name now by the way) came to talk to me that time (yeah, that amazing conversation aah) the two awkward-guy-friends got the jist of the situation. And then a.g.f.1 (awkward-guy-friend-1) went colder and colder. He’d only speak to me when he absolutely had to, for example when he had to do a science assessment. TOGETHER. Yup, that was awkward. So yeah, that got me down. Big time. But I just thought, ‘you know what? Fuck it.’ Because if he doesn’t want to be friends, fine by me. I guess I just saw his dark side. But then my best mate said I should talk to him. So I did. And basically, to put it briefly, this is what I found out:
He was pissed off because of le sexy garçon because in his words, ‘It was like *le sexy garçon* comes along and bam you’re done with me.’ He actually thought there could be something between us and because of L.S.G he thought ‘it was all broken.’ Then he went on to say how he wasn’t like awkward-guy-friend-1 because he loved me unconditionally. He hated having so much tension between us etc etc etc.’
1. To be ‘done’ with someone, there has to be something there before. Maybe he just meant as in friendship but reading the rest of it, I think not. There was nothing there anyway so I don’t know what he thought.
2. ‘I love you unconditionally.’ – Okay. I’m sorry but really? What do we know about ‘unconditional love’? And surely if it was unconditional, he wouldn’t have been so cold with me.
3. If you hated the tension, why did you do it? JUST HAVE A FREAKING ARGUMENT WITH ME NEXT TIME. My speciality.

I mean, there was a hell of a lot in that conversation, but that was the main bits I guess. He apologised, and said he was acting like a complete idiot, which he was. My sister (hey if you’re reading this, which you shouldn’t be) said he was acting like a bitchy teenage girl. Which is very true actually. I was in tears during this conversation (thanks to ma soeur for making me feel okay, love you) because no matter how many apologies we exchanged, I knew it wouldn’t be the same again. I knew I’d lost one of my best friends, and then knowing what I’d just found out, I knew I’d probably broken his heart. HAHAHA- 2 guys in the space of under a month. Slut. No I’m not exactly feeling good about it, oh no. I feel really bad. But the worst thing about this is that I begin to question myself. I make myself think that I’m the one to blame. I’m not. I can’t help it if I don’t like my friend in that way. I can’t change it. And I’m not going to.
It’s been a bit better since that conversation two days ago. Slightly better. We’re talking to each other for starters. It can still be slightly awkward, but that’s what I expected. In maths today (I think I failed my assessment AHAHAHA. Why do I find that funny?) we had to work together. At one point, he just kind of looked up at me. Not saying anything, he just looked into my eyes and smiled. AWKWARD. I had to look away. Then when I glanced back, he was still doing it. DAFUQ?! I just awkwardly laughed and tried to get on with matching the stupid statements up. I could still feel his gaze and it was oppressive. I just got up and walked away ‘to get some paper’. We didn’t need paper, I just did it to get away. It did the trick though.
So I’ll just see how it goes. I know it won’t be the same, but it might get better. Maybe.

Awkward-guy-friend-1 has been surprisingly alright with it considering what happened. He hasn’t changed, and it’s no where near as awkward as I thought it’d be. Occasionellement, he makes jokes about le sexy garçon. (Or as one of my other friends calls him, Kennedy. It was code because le sexy garçon was in earshot XD) But they’re all lighthearted and can sometimes be quite amusing actually. O___o

We’re studying Much Ado About Nothing in English and we’re watching the film. Some of the things said were so relatable and I almost started crying at one point because it just brought back all the pain of the awkward-guy-friend-1-ignoring-me-and-hating-my-guts-yet-saying-he-loves-me situation. And I could see from across the room that he was thinking the same thing.

xx

I think too much.

tears

I think too much. And quite a lot of the time, it’s not a good thing. I just find myself thinking too deeply about things I don’t want to think about at all. Like what happened exactly a week ago today.

This is what happened:

I have quite a large group of friends, and just under half of those are boys. Boy mates are really awesome. Until they ask you out.

Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why??

Now, I’m not the best of friends with this guy, but we’re still kinda close I guess. We’ve had a lot of fall outs and fights over the past year and all that anger can just come flooding back with the smallest mistake. My best friend was the one who rekindled our friendship. She just made me think about it differently, and if she hadn’t had done that, I would still be totally ignoring him and just hating the sight of him. Harsh, I know.

But it was all ok for a while. I still fight with him, but it’s more playful banter than anything else.

Then came the ice skating trip. I’m a bit crap at ice skating. I got quite good towards the end but before that, I simply felt more comfortable if I was linked to someone. So, being the stupid girl that I am, skated round, hand in hand with all the boys in our group. I never meant it to mean anything, god no, and I didn’t think anyone else would.I mean my best friend was doing it too and they didn’t take that seriously. I just did it because I found it easier.

So, ignoring the fact that he was not the only boy to hold my hand that day, I guess he probably thought there was something in it, and that night he asked me out. By text. So that was an extremely awkward night, sending him extremely long replies saying how sorry I was and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt him, etc etc. He said he understood, but knowing him, he was probably crying in the corner of his room. And I felt fucking terrible. I felt so bad.

The next day was the last day of term and we had the awkward goodbyes and hugging situation to face. My best friend nearly had a heart attack when I told her on the bus that morning, she couldn’t quite believe it. Whilst trying to console the broken hearted boy I’d just rejected, we both agreed it wouldn’t change anything and it wouldn’t be awkward. Well that was never going to happen. Of course it was going to be awkward!! Luckily we only had a half day because it was the end of term, so I only had one lesson with him and break. I avoided eye contact with him through maths, which wasn’t hard seeing as we were just watching Madagascar 3 on YouTube. Then we had drama in which we watched Brave. All the way through it, I was just dreading the time where we would have to go for break.

That time came and we all met up at our usual place. Awkward smiles were exchanged and that was pretty much it. Then there was the bell and before dispersing to our separate form rooms, everyone hugged each other awkwardly. I gave him an awkward hug, (I swear he has never hugged anyone in his life, it was the crappiest hug ever), and wished him a merry Christmas as I walked off.

So that was alright…

But he hadn’t got over it. iMessage conversations with my bezzie proved that.

I just had to keep telling myself I did the the right thing, for me.
So I was beginning to feel slightly less terrible and awkward about the situation but then came the awkward conversation with my second best mate who happens to be a boy. Can you see where this is going?
He said about feeling betrayed by this guy: ‘he knows how much I like you, then he asks you out’ (what kind of ‘like’ is this??) And then he went on about finding a new, different kind of love for someone and surely it would work better if they were close friends?
While this was going on, all I was thinking was, ‘shit.’ After many attempts to get the message across that I didn’t want a relationship with anyone at the moment, I eventually just said I had to go.
I used to feel so happy and comfortable talking to him, and we’d talk about a lot… but now I don’t want to talk at all. It feels like I’ve lost one of my best friends, and he has no idea.
There are no x’s any more, no smilies, no jokes. No ‘hey!’s 3 times a day any more. Not from me anyway.
And this is what happens when I think too much. Am I just reading into it too much?

Before I go, one piece of advice:

Don’t crush on your mates, if you can help it, and unless you know they feel the same way, definitely don’t ask them out. It ends with heartbreak and tears on both sides.

Hey, world, I’ve started a blog!

Hey, welcome, bonjour, hola, hallo, aloha, hai, etc.
Thanks for reading this first of all, you’re helping me look less of a loner talking to herself! Which I am… *awkward*
Anyways, I started this blog because I wanted to just talk about life, you know, to people who will listen and maybe have the same problems or interests as me.
I have another blog, which is in a completely different style to this (it’s written in the voice of my dog: www.thelastwoof.wordpress.com go check it out 😉 that would be awesome) I love writing thelastwoof, but as you can probably guess my ideas are limited and there have been many times where I have wanted to write about more personal stuff but of course I couldn’t (it doesn’t apply to my dog). So I started girlwiththesilverlocket.
I’ll be writing about a load of random shiz, posting photos, and whatever else I feel like doing. So please, if you’d like to listen to a random British girl who is trying her hardest to think about what she wants in life, then please follow me! It will make me feel better – I won’t just be talking to myself any more! XD
And if you have similar interests or problems, etc, comment below and we can make each other feel better or just spaz out at the thought of Tom Daley or something… 😀

Thanks for reading!! Have a great day!

xx