Reintroducing myself.

When I was younger, sometimes my grandparents would come and stay with us for a few days. One time, my grandmother and I walked down to the park in my village and we bought ice cream and a magazine and we sat on a bench by the pond facing away from the road and directly onto the fields and the hills. That was back when I was four years old, maybe five and I haven’t sat there since. I’m not sure why.

Also, we used to be really close with our neighbours. We’re still close, I suppose, though not so much. They have a son my sister’s age (let’s call him T) and a daughter my own age (M), so it was always pretty cool having two best friends living next door to you, well, strictly speaking, as our houses are semi-detached, in the same building. At one end of the hedge in our gardens, it was cut short and replaced with a little black gate that would always jam shut or not open properly, and we’d meet there, myself and M, whatever the weather, and then go to one another’s houses and play make-believes and make cupcakes and start projects that would never be finished. Then in the summer when the days were longer and everything was warmer and nothing had to be done, my sister, T and M and I would open the gate and we’d play Tig using both our gardens and cricket and Stuck In The Mud and football and T would swap teams because we all knew that he’d win the game. Then during the day, we’d take out all our brightly coloured pop-up tents and tunnels and join them together to make a giant network of tent forts and we’d have blankets and cushions inside them and we’d stay in there all day until it got dark. If it was raining, we’d go inside and make blanket forts in M’s room and we’d have chocolate bars and we’d talk about what we wanted to be when we were older. And then we’d fall asleep because it was 10 o’ clock and it was late.

And then M went to high school (she’s only six days older than me but is in the year above) and so we didn’t have much to talk about any more; she was grown up at a big, expensive school and I was still at primary, only just learning the things she learnt a year before. Sometimes we do still meet up to watch films or to thrash each other on Mario Kart or sometimes to just talk and I love that, and sometimes we’ll just talk about all these memories.

As myself and my sister, C, got older, we began to find ourselves needing each other more than ever. The pressure of high school and college and growing up in general began to get us down and we found that we actually could rely on each other when times were tough. When we got our dog, we began taking him for a walk every evening, just us, and we’d talk about everything. In summer, we’d walk for hours, around the fields and the housing estates and the hills and we’d sit down at the side of a flower-filled field and lie in the dwindling sunlight for a while, forgetting about everything.

And that is part of me.

The point of this is, it’s not your name or your age or where you live or anything that really matters. It’s about your story, and the things that have made you who you are. So those are just a few parts of my story and I think I might share some more with you soon, if you’d like me too. Also, you guys should also try this, make it however long or short you like. Let’s make this a tag, anyone up to help?

xx

 

Forever and why I don’t want it.

Capture

My boyfriend said this to me yesterday. In case you’re not familiar, my boyfriend, I believe I call him Skate here, so Skate and I have been together for three months after being close for just under a year. I love him. And I know that this, again, is a generic teenage thing so say but you know when you love someone, right, and I know that I love him. We’re long distance, if you can call it that. There’s a hour between him and I. But I suppose these things don’t really come into this. Perhaps a little, but only a little. Despite the distance, it’s still amazing. This is the boy who, every day, makes sure that I’m okay and tells me that he loves me, who every time I see him, tells me I’m beautiful and perfect, and that I’m too good for him. This is the boy who will do anything to make me feel better and will be there through anything and who, along with those few incredible others (yes, you know who you are…), has kept me alive.

But ‘forever’ scares me. We all seem to be looking for a forever and waiting for a forever, maybe just waiting for the right forever, but a forever all the same… But… Why?

The thought of staying with one person for the rest of your life frightens me a little and maybe that’s a little strange as why would you not want to find that one, utterly perfect person who will never leave you and who will stay with you through everything?

Part of me, I suppose, does want that a little. And I know that when I am older, and more okay in myself, then I will want it.

Perhaps it’s partly the fault of the music industry. Maybe ‘fault’ is the wrong word… ‘influence’ may be better here. I say this because it is telling us that love doesn’t work out and that forever doesn’t mean forever and that when a person tells you that they won’t let you down, they’re lying and they hurt you so much that you can’t take it.

I don’t want to be the girl in the songs; the girl that expects forever when he tells her he’ll be her Always, the girl who gets hurt every time because he changed his mind.

Also, I am fifteen. That means… Possibly eighty more years with one person. Eighty. That’s a little terrifying, if I’m honest.

Plus, how can you be sure that you’re with the right person if you’ve never been with anyone else?

I know this post may seem awfully pessimistic and negative about the whole ‘love’ thing, but I really hope it doesn’t. I don’t believe I’m being a pessimist, more so a realist who is slightly scared of eternity. Of course, I’m not saying that ‘forever’ doesn’t exist, of course it does for so, so many people, but it just doesn’t exist for me right now. And it makes me sad, because I know that when my forever ends, my forever with Skate… He might still want that forever and I’ll end up hurting him and that is the last thing that I want to do. Bearing in mind that he was almost on the brink of tears when saying the things he did. For now, I do, somewhat, have a forever, our little forever, but I know that my forever won’t be an eternity.

xx

Empty.

Empty.

An existence. One filled with a ‘feeling’ so hard to comprehend, and consequently, inexplicably hard to define.

Being empty is when you are running on only the most necessary state of mind needed for the simplest survival; you carry out day-to-day tasks without realising. You walk, you eat, you drink, you sit down, you lie down, you stare, you disappear. You don’t realise.

Being empty is when you see your reflection and see it as just a reflection of a person whom you do not recognise. It is when you stand and stare at the person in the mirror for endless minutes, thinking nothing, seeing nothing. You do not see the emotions or the history behind the skin. You see only a person, it is not you, is it even a reflection any more?

Being empty is when you hit things, punch walls, cut deep, without a second thought. It is when you wait for the pain to set in because you need it so badly to remind you that you are still alive, not just in a limbo of confused existence. It is when you don’t even realise you needed the pain, you just do it as a reflex.

Being empty is being physically unable to move or talk or listen. You cannot move from your state of paralysis in front of the mirror or in the corner of your room. You cannot move the fingers that you have so intricately entwined with a blade away from your wrist. You cannot answer the question you were just asked. You cannot recognise the words that are being spoken.

Being empty is where you see only denotation. The connotations you automatically think have disappeared and you are left with nothing but ‘ceiling’, ‘rain’, ‘blood’.

Being empty is where you are not sad, nor happy, nor angry. You feel them all at once, in a rush so strong that you cannot feel them at all. Perhaps it could be said that there is so much emotion that there is none.

Being empty is where you do not know which is worse; the emotion or the state of numbness.

Being empty is when you do not feel. Being empty is when you cannot feel. Being empty is being a ghost.

Being empty is feeling nothing when your lover kisses you or wraps his arms around you and holds you tight. It is feeling nothing when she strokes your face and tells you that it is going to be alright.

Being empty is when you cannot cry because there is nothing to bring the tears, despite the millions of thoughts that circled in your mind just ten minutes ago.

Being empty is not living.

Being empty is existing.

Being empty is being hopeless.

Boys, boys, idiots and boys.

In my last post, I was debating a situation involving a lad in the year above. Remember? No? Didn’t think so.

Well… I just bit the bullet so to speak and just told him that I’d had enough. Not in those words, obviously, before you bite my head off for being mean.

The thing is… I had a day off school for the strikes on Tuesday and was hanging out with some friends for the day. He knew this. He knew because he’d asked me about four times previous to said day off. I swear the boy has the memory of a goldfish…

Getting back on track. So, I’d mentioned that I was with friends and if I didn’t reply for a while, that was why. But what did I get?

Hiya xx

Hiya xx

U ok xx

Hiya xx

U ok xx

Hiya xx

Wuu2 xx

Hiya xx

*sighs* I’m not even joking. These were half an hour-to an hour and a half apart. If I didn’t reply the first few times, did he not realise that I probably wasn’t going to reply to the next five?! I DO NOT NEED A SPAM OF ‘HIYA’s’ for crying out loud.

At the end of the day, I just felt intoxicated. It was too much; NEWS FLASH: excessive amounts of messages are not hot. Anything but.

Soooo, I just kind of wrote a long winded paragraph full of bull about having a lot of stuff going on  and needing time to myself to sort things out (that much was true), not being ready for a relationship, that he needs to reduce the texts a little, etc etc. I felt so bad, because, of course, I know what it’s like to be on the other side. Buuuuut, at the end of the day, it was infuriating.

He was insistent that we could ‘make it work’ and I just kind of sat there like… hahahahahahahaha no. I’m so nice, aren’t I!

All in all, he seemed to be okay with it, and said he’d leave me alone for a bit.

Did he?

No. No he did not.

The next day:

Hiya

Hiya

U ok?

Have you sorted things out yet?

I cannot sort my life out in a day.

So I told him this and he apologised and again, said he’s leave me be for a while,

Surely he must have done so this time?

Nope.

I think there was a gap of a day. And then came the ‘Hiya’.

I felt obliged to answer so it was small talk like always. I was shopping in town at this time so when he asked what I was up to, I said so. Now, maybe this is just me reading too far into it… But, when he said ‘If u don’t mind me asking who with’ The suffocating feeling returned. Did it really matter? Was he jealous? It just so happened that I was just with my mum and sister, but it just appeared to be very suffocating.

Next came the sob story: the ‘fallen-out-with-a-‘good-mate’-and-I-regret-ever-being-born-and-everyone-hates-me’ sob story to be precise. Oh well done, try to make me feel bad for you.

Ugh.

But I’m just so done with him.

Can't deal with it photo tumblr_m8jhbiHYBx1r9wyf9.gif

And so is the story of… Let’s call him A.G.3. Awkward Guy 3. Pretty apt? Yep.

Moving on to other boys… More interesting boys. *cue excessive winking*

I have decided that the guy who sits next to the twat in front of me in French… *drum roll* is hot. And not so much of a massive twat as I first thought. In fact, he’s really nice. And he talks to me. That’s a first. Plus I have his Snapchat. And he’s tall. Tall guys are just… My dream. He’s beaut. We spend French lessons taking the piss out of the idiot, now named Imbécile which is hilarious. Ahhh, French has suddenly become much more enjoyable. Let’s call said hot guy, …T.H.G.i.F – Tall Hot Guy in French. How creative.

Nom nom nom.

'Did someone say cute boys?'

‘Did someone say cute boys?’

I’m currently having an ongoing war with Skate about who’s hotter. Myself or him. Totes flirtay leik. I’m very much enjoying it.

Bon nuit mes amis.

xx

Guitars and Apologies

1. I’m sorry. For not posting recently. And for eating all the ice cream. I swear to God, if I get any more homework I am going to cry. I have about eight big pieces at a time and it is absolutely ridiculous and stupid and I hate life.

2. I promise that I have so many ideas for posts, I just haven’t had the time or energy to be able to do them. If you don’t believe me, here’s one page of my ideas.

These will get done... Eventually.

These will get done… Eventually.

3. This is going to be really short because all my literary ability has been drained.

4. I really need to stop eating so much crap.

5. I love my English teacher. She gave me books.

6. I’m sick of people not caring.

7. My hair’s purple again.

8. My eyeliner somehow manages to survive a full-on hair wash, but smudges after an hour at school.

9. I really want cake.

10. And band merch.

11. I’m going to cover one of my walls in band posters.

12. I hate people.

13. I don’t think my friends could get any more annoying.

14. I really want coffee.

15. Assemblies are shit.

16. I now have ‘wanking is fun’ on my rubber.

17. I’m going to Normandy (France) in June.

18. I have to find my former French teacher on Monday, the really bitchy one who I never want to see again, ever, because I have to see if she still has my coursework. I need it. I’m not doing it again.

19. David Cameron, I am not going to school from 9-5. No fucking way.

20. I want to kill everyone.

21. I like my fat media teacher. He let me listen to my iPod in class. I had to drown out the noise of the Oranges – the group of infuriatingly loud girls who embrace the whole fakery every single day: tan, lashes, extensions, nails, tons and tons of hot pink lipstick.

22. I’m really hungry right now.

23. It’s cold. Why is it cold?

24. Anyone else from England have the day off on October 1st for the strikes?

25. Rings are my new obsession.

26. I have an arrogant little twat sitting in front of me in French. He went to my primary and my high school so we’re well-acquainted however I hadn’t been in any of his lessons for three years so I’d forgotten how much of a dick he is. I’m better at French than he is, anyway.

27. He’s going to Normandy as well.

28. Apparently it’s wrong to write notes in capitals.

29. Bad Education and Waterloo Road are back. *cries tears of joy* Oh oh oh, and Some Girls is also coming back *cheers*

30. I believe the ice has been broken between said Bastard and I. (Flirt, that is.) Hmph.

31. I have so many books to read.

just a few of them

just a few of them

32. Case studies suck.

33. I have to make up a rap for geography about life in the Kibera Slum. I can’t rap. Or write a rap. I can eat a wrap. Can I just bring in a wrap?

34. Black has been my official nail polish colour for the past couple of weeks. Mother is thinking I’m turning into a goth. Rebel.

35. Look at how utterly riveting our science experiments are at school.

Boiling water. How spectacular.

Boiling water. How spectacular.

36. If you want to contact me, you can drop me a message in the ‘SAY HELLO’ section, because I’m nice. :3

37. EIGHTEEN DAYS TIL PANIC!’s NEW ALBUM OMG

38. If Brendon crowd surfs at the show… I… I might be able to touch his hair holy shit please God

39. The chips my college do are really nice.

40. I really want a new guitar.

For now, my friends, I say good night.

xx

30 Day Challenge – Day 12

Yeah, yeah, I know I didn’t publish the post I said I was going to do last night, stop complaining , I was tired, okay? And I doubt I’m going to publish it tonight either as I have to get up early tomorrow (9am, seriously, how am I going to find the strength to get up at that unearthly time?!) The bad thing is, I’m actually being serious… Yeah, so anyway, here’s Day 12.

Day 12 – things you want to say to an ex.

HAHAHAHAHA well since I don’t have an ex, I’ll just note down a few possibilities for the future ahahaha nope, you’re going to be alone forever

a) Hey, how are you? I’m sorry, okay. Please don’t be an asshole.

b) I fucking hate you, you bastard.

c) LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE

d) Your new girlfriend is a bitch.

e) See, this is what you’re missing. *sticks finger up*

f) Oh, we’re good? I’m glad. How are you?

g) Yeah um, see ya.

h) My ass is way better than hers.

i) I still love you, please come back.

j) I still love you, but you were a prick, so piss off.

k) What the actual hell are you wearing?

l) Do you like pizza? I like pizza.

m) I wrote a song about you. Explaining what a shit boyfriend you were.

n) So now I have to see you every day? Well this is going to be fun.

o) I’m worth so much more than you.

p) We can get back together, let’s try again.

q) You really shouldn’t use that language, young man.

r) I can play guitar better than you.

s) I never liked your music anyway.

t) And I don’t know why I thought you were hot.

u) I wish you all the best.

v) Fine, marry her, I don’t care.

w) You’re moving… To Australia? So um, that’s why we broke up? HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME?!

x) I’m going to stalk your Facebook page.

y) I’m going to stalk your Twitter.

z) I’m going to stalk your Instagram.

Okay so I don’t even know what half of those were, but there you go, that’s what my mind produces at ten to eleven. I’ll try my best to write proper posts tomorrow.

xx

Overstepping the mark?

Uurrggghhhh why do boys have to be so confusing?! I mean I bet we girls are too but still.
Urgh
So you know the strictly-friends-guy who I met up with a few days ago? (Ninja, I think I called him. Renamed Deluded.)
Well quite frankly, he’s just getting irritating. Clingy, I suppose. And it’s so effing annoying.
He constantly messages me, snapchats me… And then snapchats me even more when I don’t reply.
If you don’t know what Snapchat is, though I assume a lot of you do, it’s an app where you send people pictures that last for up to 10 seconds.
So anyway, these are almost all throughout the day, every day – you see how this could get annoying? Plus, a lot of the time it’s ones captioned with things like:
a) ‘oops you caught me with my top off!’
b) *whilst wearing a t-shirt* ‘I’m sexier with my top off’
c) ‘guess what?’ ‘I’m sexy!’
d) ‘how do I look?’

Yep, those are actual examples. How am I supposed to respond to that?! Usually I ignore it or am just like ‘right.’ Or something dismissive. He’s really not attractive either. Just clearing that up.
And there’s the messaging. Skype, iMessage… FaceTime… What is this, seriously?! I’ve got to the point where I just ignore him for the majority of the time. I seldom ignore people if they message me, because I’m always happy to talk to people, I’m touched that they want to talk to me. But there’s a line. And he’s just overstepped it. I think skyping me at 2am is a bit excessive. If I make it known that I’m awake and it’s a close friend of mine or someone who I don’t talk to so much, it’d be fine okay, I don’t mind. After all, I’m occasionally awake at that time. However, I had talked to him that day. For nearly the whole day. Must have been something important? HAHAHAHAHAHA no. It was just to tell me that he’d started working out and that he was doing one handed press ups and planking while typing. I get that he wants to look impressive, and don’t we all? But I did not need to know that at 2 in the fucking morning. The next morning he said ‘I’m really starting to see the results of my exercise’ um a) after about half an hour?! I highly doubt it mate, you don’t get abs just because you did 5 press ups. b) what did he want me to say? ‘SHOW ME‘?! Obviously that’s not going to happen! And oh yeah, the next day he was like ‘I’m really keen to show someone the results. Well don’t bloody well show me! Show it to your girlfriend oh yeah, YOUR GIRLFRIEND. Why’s he telling me this?! Guys who are reading this, PLEASE GIVE ME HELP OMG. Because you know the male mind much more than I do so I don’t know, tell me your ideas on why he’s doing this please?!
At first he was fun to talk to, and I had a good time when we met up at the cinema the other day. But now it’s just repetitive and boring and I just want the conversation to end. If he suggest calling, I usually make up an excuse not to, but eventually I run out of them and I don’t want him to feel bad you know? But urgh, limpet alert!
*insert limpet joke here*
On a call, all he does is play a game on his Xbox that I’m not interested in and talk about it, tell me to watch while he kills these guys and then silently plays the game again. When he’s not doing that, he’s talking about superheroes and films I’ve never heard of and have no intention of watching. Don’t get me wrong, superheroes are awesome, Batman and Black Widow especially but seriously?! ALL THE FREAKING TIME?! It’s Ironman this, Captain America that. I don’t caaaaarrrreeee! I haven’t seen many Marvel films or other superhero films, so I don’t know what he’s talking about and he knows that but talks about it anyway. Then he’ll talk about the £600 computer he’s getting, just for gaming. How the keyboard is ‘so amazing’ because it has a wrist rest for when you’re using it a lot and it’s so worth the 80 something pounds extra. And OH MY GOD THERE’S AN ALIEN FACE ON THE SIDE THAT GLOWS DIFFERENT COLOURS HOLY SHIT! *note sarcasm* I mean, I’m sorry if I don’t understand gaming. I’m not a gamer myself, and I couldn’t care less about the keyboard. Maybe the first time. But not the tenth. And if he’s not doing that then he’s trying to play playing guitar. He’s alright, he plays tab mainly, which I’m crap at so I can’t really say anything but he’s not the most amazing player in the world, despite what he thinks. Plus, the tab he mainly does is easy shit man. I’m not dissing his playing okay, because tab is hard to do but he honestly thinks that he’s one of the most incredible guitarists around. Um no. He just likes to show off I suppose. And when you’re proud of something then you do. But the same songs are played every time: Misty Mountains from The Hobbit, the Indiana Jones theme, the James Bond theme. Yeah, they’re good songs but UURRGGHH EVERY TIME. And then he goes on to ‘Everlong’ by Foo Fighters, which is an amazing song and one of my favourites, but he just repeats the same 10 seconds of song. He constantly mentions how his teacher said ‘You’re no beginner’ when he had his first lesson a few weeks ago. WOW. THAT’S BECAUSE HE WASN’T A BEGINNER! He’d been playing for months before that so what did he expect. Bragging much?
I know this has been a massively long rant, but it’s just annoying and confusing and I dot know whether I need to say something in order to avoid hurting his girlfriend? Just what’s going on with the whole trying to impress me thing and everything? It’s just incredibly annoying, you know? What do you think I should do, I need advice here guys! And lads, is this just typical ‘boy’ or is it excessive and weird? I’d really appreciate your advice on this 🙂

Xx

P.s. I wrote this in the car on the way to visit my grandparents and I can’t be bothered to redraft it so there was today’s shitty post.

P.p.s And I’m back now so I can continue with writing shit. Yay.