She still exists?

This was supposed to be published last night, but I ended up finishing it at 1am and my wifi was non-existent. Damn.

Yeeees, I do.

AND SUMMER IS NEARLY UPON US.

I have been meaning to write at least something but I have simply come to the conclusion that my creative instinct has just evaporated or gone for a long holiday to Mexico.

Hmm.

So, how about a mid-year review kind of thing? oh this will be depressing

So, at the start of this year, I did that… *whispers* New Year Plan and as far as you and I are concerned, it never… happened. Okay?

Okay.

See, thing is, nothing has been done about that.

And this is why I don’t make resolutions.

…So… in a moment of desperation, let’s take a look at this… plan.

Blog reflections ~ Considering I started this blog on Christmas Eve 2012, I may as well look back on some of my worst posts ever and laugh and cringe at how badly worded they are and at my failed attempts to make jokes. And just muse over how awesome you all are and wonder about how you don’t realise how much I suck.
Reflections on the past year ~ Basically where I remember all the really bad/awkward/stupid/idiotic things that have happened over the past year and cry about them whilst armed with a pot of Ben and Jerry’s.
Resolutions (and what happened to last year’s) ~ Oh dear.
2014 Bucket List ~ Bucket lists are good, right?
Hopes for 2014 ~ Probably trying to be deep and failing.
Blog ideas and series that I may or may not keep up ~ I have so many ideas lying around so I may as well list them all and have this list as a constant reminder of my decreasing blogging abilities.

Oh god.

Have I done any of these things?

No, no aaaaaand oh look! No!

So, swiftly moving on from that.

What have I done?

Well, are you sitting comfortably?

…Yeah I got nothing.

Is an existential crisis an appropriate reaction to the moment you realise that you have literally done nothing but eat pizza and cry for half a year?

Maybe talking about my current state of affairs would be a better idea. you wish, don’t even pretend you’re doing something with your life

Currently, I am a pizza-devouring, guitar-playing, peach tea-drinking almost-sixteen year old on the brink of crisis. I’m constantly torn between the lust of having electric blue hair and keeping it dragon-scale blonde, as one of my best friends once described it. I long to be a mermaid in a sea of fairy lights but also a shadow, writing dark poetry in the moonlit corner of a room. I watch Supernatural too much and I cry when Dean gets hurt, but I can’t say I care so much about Sam. I eat a lot of pizza and Oreo chocolate and I thank God for fast metabolism. I have the best friends in the universe and am ever so slightly in love with them. I want floral skateboards and snakebites and black and white dresses and books and an endless supply of Ryden fanfic and films and bottles of Jack Daniels and I want 50s swing dresses and Alex Turner and to kiss Andrew Garfield on the cheek and I want tickets to see Arctic Monkeys and to travel the world and I want to feel intoxicated.

But also?

I’m average. I’m fifteen and working at a little garden centre on Saturdays to pay for my music addiction. I’ve talked four people out of suicide and I would be lying if I said I can cope with that. I’ve been advised by a doctor to see a councillor, which isn’t possible for me until next term at least. I’m in a constant battle with my mind and I have a few too many scars to prove it. I’m scared to let people down and I’m scared to see myself get any worse. I don’t know where my relationship is going; I don’t know where I want it to go. I don’t like to admit that I get jealous, or paranoid. I don’t like to admit that I still want to die. Or that I still want to see blood. And I’m sorry we don’t talk as much as we used to. And that I ignore you sometimes. It’s just so loud in my head that I can’t string two words together to tell you that I love you. But I am okay.

And I was not the girl who listened to The Smiths before she heard Asleep in Perks. And sometimes I don’t read the books before I see the films. And I don’t have a fake ID and I’ve never even properly got drunk. I get nervous putting my hand up in class, but I’m good at small talk. My idol appears naked on her album cover and is known to be one of the most reckless females in the rock industry but I’m self-conscious and I’ve never had a detention. And I would like to say I don’t care about anything but I have to please people. And sometimes I like to talk to people just because they try. And I’m prone to mood swings and sometimes I hurt people and say the wrong things. My sister is one of my closest friends and I rely on her a lot. I’d like to say that the only person I rely on is myself but I need certain people to stay alive.

And I would say that I am rather quite unextraordinary.

So.

Mid-year review?

Ordinary. But okay.

The happenings.

So I realised that I haven’t actually done an update post as such in a while… Since 31st December actually.

I KID, I KID. I am very sorry indeed.

After a lot of low-mood posts (which, again, I apologise for as this blog has lacked happiness lately), this one should be a little more lighthearted.

Anyway, let me start by letting our dear Channing Tatum tell you a thing.

Awh, cheers, Channing.

stop talking to gifs you idiot

I can tell this post is going to be so ridiculously crap… TURN BACK NOW. 

please don’t go

*Josh Franceschi voice* STAAAAAAAAAAY WIIIIIIIIITH MEEEEEEEEEE-goddammit, Alex, shut up.

get on with it

Okay, so, firstly, last week I saw Fall Out Boy who were absolutely incredible. They were supported by The Pretty Reckless, who were just… I can’t even begin to describe how amazing that was, and New Politics who are still as adorable as ever.

We were in one of the middle stands so although we were pretty far away (meaning I couldn’t see Taylor Momsen’s face *cries*), we still had a pretty good view.

New Politics

New Politics

New Politics were the first support act and, as these have become one of my favourite bands since they supported Panic! At The Disco, myself, my sister and two of my best friends were screaming… Pretty loudly… Alone… In a room full of people who didn’t give a shit. Same for The Pretty Reckless:

The Pretty Reckless

The Pretty Reckless

Plus, of course there had to be the awkward silence during Heaven Knows where literally no one was singing back to them. *cringes*

Anyway, they were friiiicking amazing, Taylor sounded exactly as she does on the records and just… YES. SO MUCH YES.

(Heaven Knows – Sorry about the sound quality)

Fall Out Boy then came on and the entire place went wild.

Fall Out Boy

Fall Out Boy

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(My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark – again, apologies for quality, and the out of tune screaming at ‘I’m on fire’ XD)

Anyway, that’s enough of that for now (there’ll be a post about this up on my music blog, which I will introduce in another post as it’s not ready yet procrastination, soon).

Back in February, I saw Taylor Swift in London, supported by The Vamps and a surprise appearance from Ed Sheeran (I see the envy in your eyes hehe). I think I screamed louder when Ed appeared than when Taylor did, but there we go. 😀 That was also amazing.

The O2 Arena, London

The O2 Arena, London

*cries because Ed Sheeran*

*cries because Ed Sheeran*

Lego House

Lego House

Again, there’ll probably be a full post up on my other blog soon, if you’d like to read it.

Hopefully, HOPEFULLY, I might be at Reading festival this summer… HOPEFULLY. I’m relying on my sister to drive… (if you’re reading this, you know I love you and you know you really want to go, don’t you 😉 ) Hehe. The line up is incredible this year:

Paramore, Deaf Havana, Jimmy Eat World, Arctic Monkeys, Imagine Dragons, Foster The People (I rediscovered Pumped Up Kicks and oh my), Blink-182, You Me At Six, A Day To Remember, Sleeping With Sirens, Disclosure, The 1975, Clean Bandit (the amount of times Rather Be has been played on the radio is ridiculous but I can’t help but sing along), Don Bronco… Plus so many others.

Hit The Deck festival is also a possibility, with Kids In Glass Houses and The Maine, plus a shit tonne of others.

So, with a bit of luck, something might be possible.

Anyway, I guess I don’t have much else to say.

Life has been pretty uninteresting recently, apart from friends being twats, boys being twats, parents being… well, twats aaaaand that’s pretty much it!

It shouldn’t be too long before another post like this, or at least something lighthearted. A summer post will be up pretty soon too (I was making a moodboard in media class and it made me lust summer so much, like, I can’t even):

The amount of hipster on this is dangerous...

The amount of hipster on this is dangerous…

And so I think I’ll end that here, thanks for reading as always, I love your face.

xx

P.s. Pssst, you can follow my tumblr (http://onthecornerof4thandfremont.tumblr.com/) for a load of band posts and random shit (I’d like to say I have a theme but I really don’t XD) Xx

Reintroducing myself.

When I was younger, sometimes my grandparents would come and stay with us for a few days. One time, my grandmother and I walked down to the park in my village and we bought ice cream and a magazine and we sat on a bench by the pond facing away from the road and directly onto the fields and the hills. That was back when I was four years old, maybe five and I haven’t sat there since. I’m not sure why.

Also, we used to be really close with our neighbours. We’re still close, I suppose, though not so much. They have a son my sister’s age (let’s call him T) and a daughter my own age (M), so it was always pretty cool having two best friends living next door to you, well, strictly speaking, as our houses are semi-detached, in the same building. At one end of the hedge in our gardens, it was cut short and replaced with a little black gate that would always jam shut or not open properly, and we’d meet there, myself and M, whatever the weather, and then go to one another’s houses and play make-believes and make cupcakes and start projects that would never be finished. Then in the summer when the days were longer and everything was warmer and nothing had to be done, my sister, T and M and I would open the gate and we’d play Tig using both our gardens and cricket and Stuck In The Mud and football and T would swap teams because we all knew that he’d win the game. Then during the day, we’d take out all our brightly coloured pop-up tents and tunnels and join them together to make a giant network of tent forts and we’d have blankets and cushions inside them and we’d stay in there all day until it got dark. If it was raining, we’d go inside and make blanket forts in M’s room and we’d have chocolate bars and we’d talk about what we wanted to be when we were older. And then we’d fall asleep because it was 10 o’ clock and it was late.

And then M went to high school (she’s only six days older than me but is in the year above) and so we didn’t have much to talk about any more; she was grown up at a big, expensive school and I was still at primary, only just learning the things she learnt a year before. Sometimes we do still meet up to watch films or to thrash each other on Mario Kart or sometimes to just talk and I love that, and sometimes we’ll just talk about all these memories.

As myself and my sister, C, got older, we began to find ourselves needing each other more than ever. The pressure of high school and college and growing up in general began to get us down and we found that we actually could rely on each other when times were tough. When we got our dog, we began taking him for a walk every evening, just us, and we’d talk about everything. In summer, we’d walk for hours, around the fields and the housing estates and the hills and we’d sit down at the side of a flower-filled field and lie in the dwindling sunlight for a while, forgetting about everything.

And that is part of me.

The point of this is, it’s not your name or your age or where you live or anything that really matters. It’s about your story, and the things that have made you who you are. So those are just a few parts of my story and I think I might share some more with you soon, if you’d like me too. Also, you guys should also try this, make it however long or short you like. Let’s make this a tag, anyone up to help?

xx

 

I am human and I will let you down.

Here, for those of you in the Supernatural fandom, have a shit-tonne of feels. I found this song through an Instagram post a short while ago and it was the shot of Jared holding the card saying, ‘I am human, I am human, I am human and I will let you down.’ This is not okay. Not. Okay.

Anyway, I found the song just today however the picture itself hadn’t left my mind since the first time I saw it. And maybe that’s because it holds so much truth. Another song, Far From Never by The Pretty Reckless, includes the line, ‘no one will never let you down’ which I have begun to be accustomed to saying in the recent months since I heard that song for the first time also.

With risk of seeming incredibly pessimistic, when someone tells you that they’re never going to let you down, no matter how genuine they are or how much they mean it, they will.

It may well just be something incredibly small, but all the same, it hurts.

But this is human nature, we simply cannot build relationships with other people without something sometimes getting in the way, that’s just how it is.

Also, I’m not saying that as soon as someone lets you down, that’ll be the end of it, because for the majority of the time, it won’t be, and I firmly believe that people deserve second chances, sometimes third chances, but it’s when you find yourself continuously giving someone more chances that it becomes a problem.

Anyway, that kind of swerved a little away from the original thought (and I apologise for the fact that this is incredibly poorly written, I may well rewrite this sometime).

I don’t tell people that I’ll never let them down any more. It’s not true.

And when, during a fall out or argument or whatever you so wish to imagine, they tell me that I told them that I’d never let them down, I know that I said exactly the opposite.

xx

(A more light-hearted post will be up soon, don’t worry ^-^)

Empty.

Empty.

An existence. One filled with a ‘feeling’ so hard to comprehend, and consequently, inexplicably hard to define.

Being empty is when you are running on only the most necessary state of mind needed for the simplest survival; you carry out day-to-day tasks without realising. You walk, you eat, you drink, you sit down, you lie down, you stare, you disappear. You don’t realise.

Being empty is when you see your reflection and see it as just a reflection of a person whom you do not recognise. It is when you stand and stare at the person in the mirror for endless minutes, thinking nothing, seeing nothing. You do not see the emotions or the history behind the skin. You see only a person, it is not you, is it even a reflection any more?

Being empty is when you hit things, punch walls, cut deep, without a second thought. It is when you wait for the pain to set in because you need it so badly to remind you that you are still alive, not just in a limbo of confused existence. It is when you don’t even realise you needed the pain, you just do it as a reflex.

Being empty is being physically unable to move or talk or listen. You cannot move from your state of paralysis in front of the mirror or in the corner of your room. You cannot move the fingers that you have so intricately entwined with a blade away from your wrist. You cannot answer the question you were just asked. You cannot recognise the words that are being spoken.

Being empty is where you see only denotation. The connotations you automatically think have disappeared and you are left with nothing but ‘ceiling’, ‘rain’, ‘blood’.

Being empty is where you are not sad, nor happy, nor angry. You feel them all at once, in a rush so strong that you cannot feel them at all. Perhaps it could be said that there is so much emotion that there is none.

Being empty is where you do not know which is worse; the emotion or the state of numbness.

Being empty is when you do not feel. Being empty is when you cannot feel. Being empty is being a ghost.

Being empty is feeling nothing when your lover kisses you or wraps his arms around you and holds you tight. It is feeling nothing when she strokes your face and tells you that it is going to be alright.

Being empty is when you cannot cry because there is nothing to bring the tears, despite the millions of thoughts that circled in your mind just ten minutes ago.

Being empty is not living.

Being empty is existing.

Being empty is being hopeless.

Feels.

FEEEEEELLLLLSSSSSSSSSSSSS. It’s like, summer holidays now, and high school is over for me and now it’s all the important shit and it sucks.

tumblr_leodnpk8vX1qdp3m1o1_500

(not that I’m a massive fan of Matt Smith because we all know David Tennant was better)

But now for neeeewwwssss de la ma vie. Whatever.

1. Prom – Yup, yup, yup, that happened. And it was just as crap as I expected but it was really fun, so it was a good end to high school 🙂 The music was terrible mostly (the inevitable chart music, hate it) but I chose to just sing and dance and act retarded all night anyway. My bestie managed to subtly make sure I got a picture with le sexy fucking stupid bastard of a garcon, so hahahahaha I’ll just have to burn it some day to get rid of the feels. Hmph.
Anyway, it was a good night, I mean what can you really expect from a high school prom with a bunch of 14 year olds? The last song played was ‘Let Her Go’ by Passenger, which, if you live in the UK, I’m pretty sure you would have heard by now. So that was the slow-dance one during which, about 90% of the girls cried hysterically and the boys did the whole ‘man-hug’ thing which just made them look like pricks. By the end of it, I almost felt bad for not crying… I just kind of walked out shouting, ‘GOODBYE, MOTHERFUCKERS’. Call me insensitive, but I really didn’t care about the majority of my year sooooo ha. But there were all the hugs and stuff in our group, one of which, avec, AGF2, lasted approximately the entire song, and consisted of AGF1 going ‘awwwww’ and my middle finger miraculously appearing in front of his face. Multi-tasking.
My English teacher felt it an appropriate time to give myself and my bestie a lecture on taking English Lit, not English Language at A-Level and university. Yep. It took half an hour.
EBBF (if you don’t know who she is by now, pay attention my dear friends because this has been said many times before: she is le sexy fucking stupid bastard of a garcon (LSFSBoaG) ‘s girlfriend. And my ex best friend. Who hates me. And is now going to have to spend 2 years with me, kicking her ass. More on that later.) turned up on rollerskates which everyone found totally ‘original, unique, cute, adorable, cool, badass, totally-EBBF-like’ *cough* If it had been anyone else, it would have been alright. But her? Ah nah. If that wasn’t enough, she turned up with LSFSBoaG in tow on his skateboard. Biiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttccccchhhhh.
Enough on her, though if anyone has any imaginative plans to do with her death, please do share.

To you newbies, I’m not a murderer, okay, I just really really hate her

2. L’end of term stuff – people crying, teachers crying, people hating on the crying people…

3. Crappy holidays en Angleterre. – I was ‘on holiday’ last week. It wasn’t terrible, I mean, it could have been worse. It was boiling hot all week and I almost got a tan. (It’s a miracle in England, okay). I was in Whitby so I managed to see the abbey that is linked to all the Dracula stuff, and that was good. I’m currently reading Dracula so it was a good place to go. Bought numerous by ‘numerous’ I mean two dream catchers (they’re my new thing, I love them).

4. I’VE GOT TICKETS TO SEE PANIC! IN NOVEMBER LIKE OMG HYPERVENTALATING!!!! I can’t even…. BRENDON URIE IN THE SAME ROOM HOLY MOTHER OF SLOTHS GUYS THIS IS A MIRACLE AND OH MY GOD. And then 4 days later, I’m going to see Imagine freaking Dragons which is also going to be AMAZING. I’ll sneak you guys in through the air vents or something.

5. My hair is dip dyed purple. :O I’ll put a picture up when I can be bothered to make myself look slightly less like I’ve just finished a drug deal.

…NOT LITERALLY GUYS, I DON’T DO DRUGS.

6. I’M A LONER.

7. I have to clear out my entire room before Thursday because I’m finally having it redecorated. I don’t even know what colour I’m going to have it. Someone with inspirational paint ideas, please help me.

8. College – Okay, so we had our 3 day induction on the penultimate week of school, and it was alright I guess. I’m not with any of my absolute closest friends in anything, (unless I switch to goddamn fast track French which is looking like a possibility because my French class is crap (but there is a fit lad in there… XD) and so is my geography teacher so I can move to the better geography class yay) but I’m with 3 close friends in core subjects and I know a lot of the people in my classes so it’s okay I suppose. BUT.

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And unfortunately, a lot of them are in my classes.

One in particular… Let’s call him… Cu- *cough* Moron. Now, Moron is one of the most beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep, etc etc, this could go on for ages Anyway, I was SO happy to be rid of him after 3 years. But nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, I now have him in all my core lessons. But I am taking absolutely no shit from that boy this year, because he deserves to effing die in a pot of acid, each limb slowly burning one by one. Or he could be tortured like in one of Fall Out Boy’s videos (God knows which one it was, their videos are strange). Anyways, you get the jist. ARGH. Bastard.

And then there’s EBBF.

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Seriously, why aren’t these gifs working click on them to experience the full dan-ripping-his-top-off experience
Who hates my guts.

Because her boyfriend happened to be talking to me.

It’d be nice to be spared the dirty looks every single time she sees me.

But the thing is, two of the close friends that I’m in lessons with are like besties with her. So she’ll always engage in conversation with them, whilst constantly giving me bitchy looks. Nice.

On induction, we had to play rounders and now she’s in my PE. So I was stood at third, right in front of her. You don’t know how tempting it was to hit her round the head with the bat.

I’m so nice.

But seriously, I haven’t even done anything to her, we haven’t even spoken since about three years ago. So, whatever. She can hate me if she wants because the girl’s going to get her ass kicked.

9. Um… not much else to say at the moment.

I still need to read all your blogs, I’m stupidly slow at doing it but I promise I will.

Cheers for staying with me and listening to my rant.

xx

Oh and here’s Panic!’s new song, Miss Jackson for those of you who are interested. If you live in America, you’ll probably have heard it seeing as it’s like 12th in the charts or something, but here in the UK it’s not really been announced anywhere. So voila, enjoy.

Well well well.

I just realised I haven’t posted anything for about 12 days… So much for that 10 day challenge then. I’m going to continue that from now on. I’ve had so much homework recently that I just haven’t had time to write anything. But hey, I’m back now!
I realise this may be quite a long post so I’m going to do two seperate posts: one about the awkward-guy-friend sit (this one) and another about other shiz. So anyway, here goes.

I found this picture and it explains it exactly.

I found this picture and it explains it exactly.

Awkward guy friend number 2. – Well, awkward-guy-friend-2 has basically been ignoring me ever since the awkward-guy-friend-1 incident. Yeah, that’s about 3 and a half weeks. I spent those weeks debating whether to talk to him about it or whether to just let him get on with it. I decided to just let him get on with it for a long time and I endured being totally isolated and ignored since the start of term again. When le sexy garçon (that’s his new name now by the way) came to talk to me that time (yeah, that amazing conversation aah) the two awkward-guy-friends got the jist of the situation. And then a.g.f.1 (awkward-guy-friend-1) went colder and colder. He’d only speak to me when he absolutely had to, for example when he had to do a science assessment. TOGETHER. Yup, that was awkward. So yeah, that got me down. Big time. But I just thought, ‘you know what? Fuck it.’ Because if he doesn’t want to be friends, fine by me. I guess I just saw his dark side. But then my best mate said I should talk to him. So I did. And basically, to put it briefly, this is what I found out:
He was pissed off because of le sexy garçon because in his words, ‘It was like *le sexy garçon* comes along and bam you’re done with me.’ He actually thought there could be something between us and because of L.S.G he thought ‘it was all broken.’ Then he went on to say how he wasn’t like awkward-guy-friend-1 because he loved me unconditionally. He hated having so much tension between us etc etc etc.’
1. To be ‘done’ with someone, there has to be something there before. Maybe he just meant as in friendship but reading the rest of it, I think not. There was nothing there anyway so I don’t know what he thought.
2. ‘I love you unconditionally.’ – Okay. I’m sorry but really? What do we know about ‘unconditional love’? And surely if it was unconditional, he wouldn’t have been so cold with me.
3. If you hated the tension, why did you do it? JUST HAVE A FREAKING ARGUMENT WITH ME NEXT TIME. My speciality.

I mean, there was a hell of a lot in that conversation, but that was the main bits I guess. He apologised, and said he was acting like a complete idiot, which he was. My sister (hey if you’re reading this, which you shouldn’t be) said he was acting like a bitchy teenage girl. Which is very true actually. I was in tears during this conversation (thanks to ma soeur for making me feel okay, love you) because no matter how many apologies we exchanged, I knew it wouldn’t be the same again. I knew I’d lost one of my best friends, and then knowing what I’d just found out, I knew I’d probably broken his heart. HAHAHA- 2 guys in the space of under a month. Slut. No I’m not exactly feeling good about it, oh no. I feel really bad. But the worst thing about this is that I begin to question myself. I make myself think that I’m the one to blame. I’m not. I can’t help it if I don’t like my friend in that way. I can’t change it. And I’m not going to.
It’s been a bit better since that conversation two days ago. Slightly better. We’re talking to each other for starters. It can still be slightly awkward, but that’s what I expected. In maths today (I think I failed my assessment AHAHAHA. Why do I find that funny?) we had to work together. At one point, he just kind of looked up at me. Not saying anything, he just looked into my eyes and smiled. AWKWARD. I had to look away. Then when I glanced back, he was still doing it. DAFUQ?! I just awkwardly laughed and tried to get on with matching the stupid statements up. I could still feel his gaze and it was oppressive. I just got up and walked away ‘to get some paper’. We didn’t need paper, I just did it to get away. It did the trick though.
So I’ll just see how it goes. I know it won’t be the same, but it might get better. Maybe.

Awkward-guy-friend-1 has been surprisingly alright with it considering what happened. He hasn’t changed, and it’s no where near as awkward as I thought it’d be. Occasionellement, he makes jokes about le sexy garçon. (Or as one of my other friends calls him, Kennedy. It was code because le sexy garçon was in earshot XD) But they’re all lighthearted and can sometimes be quite amusing actually. O___o

We’re studying Much Ado About Nothing in English and we’re watching the film. Some of the things said were so relatable and I almost started crying at one point because it just brought back all the pain of the awkward-guy-friend-1-ignoring-me-and-hating-my-guts-yet-saying-he-loves-me situation. And I could see from across the room that he was thinking the same thing.

xx