Forever and why I don’t want it.

Capture

My boyfriend said this to me yesterday. In case you’re not familiar, my boyfriend, I believe I call him Skate here, so Skate and I have been together for three months after being close for just under a year. I love him. And I know that this, again, is a generic teenage thing so say but you know when you love someone, right, and I know that I love him. We’re long distance, if you can call it that. There’s a hour between him and I. But I suppose these things don’t really come into this. Perhaps a little, but only a little. Despite the distance, it’s still amazing. This is the boy who, every day, makes sure that I’m okay and tells me that he loves me, who every time I see him, tells me I’m beautiful and perfect, and that I’m too good for him. This is the boy who will do anything to make me feel better and will be there through anything and who, along with those few incredible others (yes, you know who you are…), has kept me alive.

But ‘forever’ scares me. We all seem to be looking for a forever and waiting for a forever, maybe just waiting for the right forever, but a forever all the same… But… Why?

The thought of staying with one person for the rest of your life frightens me a little and maybe that’s a little strange as why would you not want to find that one, utterly perfect person who will never leave you and who will stay with you through everything?

Part of me, I suppose, does want that a little. And I know that when I am older, and more okay in myself, then I will want it.

Perhaps it’s partly the fault of the music industry. Maybe ‘fault’ is the wrong word… ‘influence’ may be better here. I say this because it is telling us that love doesn’t work out and that forever doesn’t mean forever and that when a person tells you that they won’t let you down, they’re lying and they hurt you so much that you can’t take it.

I don’t want to be the girl in the songs; the girl that expects forever when he tells her he’ll be her Always, the girl who gets hurt every time because he changed his mind.

Also, I am fifteen. That means… Possibly eighty more years with one person. Eighty. That’s a little terrifying, if I’m honest.

Plus, how can you be sure that you’re with the right person if you’ve never been with anyone else?

I know this post may seem awfully pessimistic and negative about the whole ‘love’ thing, but I really hope it doesn’t. I don’t believe I’m being a pessimist, more so a realist who is slightly scared of eternity. Of course, I’m not saying that ‘forever’ doesn’t exist, of course it does for so, so many people, but it just doesn’t exist for me right now. And it makes me sad, because I know that when my forever ends, my forever with Skate… He might still want that forever and I’ll end up hurting him and that is the last thing that I want to do. Bearing in mind that he was almost on the brink of tears when saying the things he did. For now, I do, somewhat, have a forever, our little forever, but I know that my forever won’t be an eternity.

xx

Empty.

Empty.

An existence. One filled with a ‘feeling’ so hard to comprehend, and consequently, inexplicably hard to define.

Being empty is when you are running on only the most necessary state of mind needed for the simplest survival; you carry out day-to-day tasks without realising. You walk, you eat, you drink, you sit down, you lie down, you stare, you disappear. You don’t realise.

Being empty is when you see your reflection and see it as just a reflection of a person whom you do not recognise. It is when you stand and stare at the person in the mirror for endless minutes, thinking nothing, seeing nothing. You do not see the emotions or the history behind the skin. You see only a person, it is not you, is it even a reflection any more?

Being empty is when you hit things, punch walls, cut deep, without a second thought. It is when you wait for the pain to set in because you need it so badly to remind you that you are still alive, not just in a limbo of confused existence. It is when you don’t even realise you needed the pain, you just do it as a reflex.

Being empty is being physically unable to move or talk or listen. You cannot move from your state of paralysis in front of the mirror or in the corner of your room. You cannot move the fingers that you have so intricately entwined with a blade away from your wrist. You cannot answer the question you were just asked. You cannot recognise the words that are being spoken.

Being empty is where you see only denotation. The connotations you automatically think have disappeared and you are left with nothing but ‘ceiling’, ‘rain’, ‘blood’.

Being empty is where you are not sad, nor happy, nor angry. You feel them all at once, in a rush so strong that you cannot feel them at all. Perhaps it could be said that there is so much emotion that there is none.

Being empty is where you do not know which is worse; the emotion or the state of numbness.

Being empty is when you do not feel. Being empty is when you cannot feel. Being empty is being a ghost.

Being empty is feeling nothing when your lover kisses you or wraps his arms around you and holds you tight. It is feeling nothing when she strokes your face and tells you that it is going to be alright.

Being empty is when you cannot cry because there is nothing to bring the tears, despite the millions of thoughts that circled in your mind just ten minutes ago.

Being empty is not living.

Being empty is existing.

Being empty is being hopeless.

Boys, boys, idiots and boys.

In my last post, I was debating a situation involving a lad in the year above. Remember? No? Didn’t think so.

Well… I just bit the bullet so to speak and just told him that I’d had enough. Not in those words, obviously, before you bite my head off for being mean.

The thing is… I had a day off school for the strikes on Tuesday and was hanging out with some friends for the day. He knew this. He knew because he’d asked me about four times previous to said day off. I swear the boy has the memory of a goldfish…

Getting back on track. So, I’d mentioned that I was with friends and if I didn’t reply for a while, that was why. But what did I get?

Hiya xx

Hiya xx

U ok xx

Hiya xx

U ok xx

Hiya xx

Wuu2 xx

Hiya xx

*sighs* I’m not even joking. These were half an hour-to an hour and a half apart. If I didn’t reply the first few times, did he not realise that I probably wasn’t going to reply to the next five?! I DO NOT NEED A SPAM OF ‘HIYA’s’ for crying out loud.

At the end of the day, I just felt intoxicated. It was too much; NEWS FLASH: excessive amounts of messages are not hot. Anything but.

Soooo, I just kind of wrote a long winded paragraph full of bull about having a lot of stuff going on  and needing time to myself to sort things out (that much was true), not being ready for a relationship, that he needs to reduce the texts a little, etc etc. I felt so bad, because, of course, I know what it’s like to be on the other side. Buuuuut, at the end of the day, it was infuriating.

He was insistent that we could ‘make it work’ and I just kind of sat there like… hahahahahahahaha no. I’m so nice, aren’t I!

All in all, he seemed to be okay with it, and said he’d leave me alone for a bit.

Did he?

No. No he did not.

The next day:

Hiya

Hiya

U ok?

Have you sorted things out yet?

I cannot sort my life out in a day.

So I told him this and he apologised and again, said he’s leave me be for a while,

Surely he must have done so this time?

Nope.

I think there was a gap of a day. And then came the ‘Hiya’.

I felt obliged to answer so it was small talk like always. I was shopping in town at this time so when he asked what I was up to, I said so. Now, maybe this is just me reading too far into it… But, when he said ‘If u don’t mind me asking who with’ The suffocating feeling returned. Did it really matter? Was he jealous? It just so happened that I was just with my mum and sister, but it just appeared to be very suffocating.

Next came the sob story: the ‘fallen-out-with-a-‘good-mate’-and-I-regret-ever-being-born-and-everyone-hates-me’ sob story to be precise. Oh well done, try to make me feel bad for you.

Ugh.

But I’m just so done with him.

Can't deal with it photo tumblr_m8jhbiHYBx1r9wyf9.gif

And so is the story of… Let’s call him A.G.3. Awkward Guy 3. Pretty apt? Yep.

Moving on to other boys… More interesting boys. *cue excessive winking*

I have decided that the guy who sits next to the twat in front of me in French… *drum roll* is hot. And not so much of a massive twat as I first thought. In fact, he’s really nice. And he talks to me. That’s a first. Plus I have his Snapchat. And he’s tall. Tall guys are just… My dream. He’s beaut. We spend French lessons taking the piss out of the idiot, now named Imbécile which is hilarious. Ahhh, French has suddenly become much more enjoyable. Let’s call said hot guy, …T.H.G.i.F – Tall Hot Guy in French. How creative.

Nom nom nom.

'Did someone say cute boys?'

‘Did someone say cute boys?’

I’m currently having an ongoing war with Skate about who’s hotter. Myself or him. Totes flirtay leik. I’m very much enjoying it.

Bon nuit mes amis.

xx

Overstepping the mark?

Uurrggghhhh why do boys have to be so confusing?! I mean I bet we girls are too but still.
Urgh
So you know the strictly-friends-guy who I met up with a few days ago? (Ninja, I think I called him. Renamed Deluded.)
Well quite frankly, he’s just getting irritating. Clingy, I suppose. And it’s so effing annoying.
He constantly messages me, snapchats me… And then snapchats me even more when I don’t reply.
If you don’t know what Snapchat is, though I assume a lot of you do, it’s an app where you send people pictures that last for up to 10 seconds.
So anyway, these are almost all throughout the day, every day – you see how this could get annoying? Plus, a lot of the time it’s ones captioned with things like:
a) ‘oops you caught me with my top off!’
b) *whilst wearing a t-shirt* ‘I’m sexier with my top off’
c) ‘guess what?’ ‘I’m sexy!’
d) ‘how do I look?’

Yep, those are actual examples. How am I supposed to respond to that?! Usually I ignore it or am just like ‘right.’ Or something dismissive. He’s really not attractive either. Just clearing that up.
And there’s the messaging. Skype, iMessage… FaceTime… What is this, seriously?! I’ve got to the point where I just ignore him for the majority of the time. I seldom ignore people if they message me, because I’m always happy to talk to people, I’m touched that they want to talk to me. But there’s a line. And he’s just overstepped it. I think skyping me at 2am is a bit excessive. If I make it known that I’m awake and it’s a close friend of mine or someone who I don’t talk to so much, it’d be fine okay, I don’t mind. After all, I’m occasionally awake at that time. However, I had talked to him that day. For nearly the whole day. Must have been something important? HAHAHAHAHAHA no. It was just to tell me that he’d started working out and that he was doing one handed press ups and planking while typing. I get that he wants to look impressive, and don’t we all? But I did not need to know that at 2 in the fucking morning. The next morning he said ‘I’m really starting to see the results of my exercise’ um a) after about half an hour?! I highly doubt it mate, you don’t get abs just because you did 5 press ups. b) what did he want me to say? ‘SHOW ME‘?! Obviously that’s not going to happen! And oh yeah, the next day he was like ‘I’m really keen to show someone the results. Well don’t bloody well show me! Show it to your girlfriend oh yeah, YOUR GIRLFRIEND. Why’s he telling me this?! Guys who are reading this, PLEASE GIVE ME HELP OMG. Because you know the male mind much more than I do so I don’t know, tell me your ideas on why he’s doing this please?!
At first he was fun to talk to, and I had a good time when we met up at the cinema the other day. But now it’s just repetitive and boring and I just want the conversation to end. If he suggest calling, I usually make up an excuse not to, but eventually I run out of them and I don’t want him to feel bad you know? But urgh, limpet alert!
*insert limpet joke here*
On a call, all he does is play a game on his Xbox that I’m not interested in and talk about it, tell me to watch while he kills these guys and then silently plays the game again. When he’s not doing that, he’s talking about superheroes and films I’ve never heard of and have no intention of watching. Don’t get me wrong, superheroes are awesome, Batman and Black Widow especially but seriously?! ALL THE FREAKING TIME?! It’s Ironman this, Captain America that. I don’t caaaaarrrreeee! I haven’t seen many Marvel films or other superhero films, so I don’t know what he’s talking about and he knows that but talks about it anyway. Then he’ll talk about the £600 computer he’s getting, just for gaming. How the keyboard is ‘so amazing’ because it has a wrist rest for when you’re using it a lot and it’s so worth the 80 something pounds extra. And OH MY GOD THERE’S AN ALIEN FACE ON THE SIDE THAT GLOWS DIFFERENT COLOURS HOLY SHIT! *note sarcasm* I mean, I’m sorry if I don’t understand gaming. I’m not a gamer myself, and I couldn’t care less about the keyboard. Maybe the first time. But not the tenth. And if he’s not doing that then he’s trying to play playing guitar. He’s alright, he plays tab mainly, which I’m crap at so I can’t really say anything but he’s not the most amazing player in the world, despite what he thinks. Plus, the tab he mainly does is easy shit man. I’m not dissing his playing okay, because tab is hard to do but he honestly thinks that he’s one of the most incredible guitarists around. Um no. He just likes to show off I suppose. And when you’re proud of something then you do. But the same songs are played every time: Misty Mountains from The Hobbit, the Indiana Jones theme, the James Bond theme. Yeah, they’re good songs but UURRGGHH EVERY TIME. And then he goes on to ‘Everlong’ by Foo Fighters, which is an amazing song and one of my favourites, but he just repeats the same 10 seconds of song. He constantly mentions how his teacher said ‘You’re no beginner’ when he had his first lesson a few weeks ago. WOW. THAT’S BECAUSE HE WASN’T A BEGINNER! He’d been playing for months before that so what did he expect. Bragging much?
I know this has been a massively long rant, but it’s just annoying and confusing and I dot know whether I need to say something in order to avoid hurting his girlfriend? Just what’s going on with the whole trying to impress me thing and everything? It’s just incredibly annoying, you know? What do you think I should do, I need advice here guys! And lads, is this just typical ‘boy’ or is it excessive and weird? I’d really appreciate your advice on this 🙂

Xx

P.s. I wrote this in the car on the way to visit my grandparents and I can’t be bothered to redraft it so there was today’s shitty post.

P.p.s And I’m back now so I can continue with writing shit. Yay.

What is your ‘first kiss’?

So, I had a thought this evening. And it probably seems like one of the stupidest questions ever. And one of the soppiest. Sorry not sorry.

What is your ‘first kiss’?

Because, I suppose it depends on your perspective and viewpoint (and whether you’re a hopeless romantic who watches too many chic-flicks, comme moi).

Is it really, the first kiss you had, no matter who it was, when, where or why? I mean, would you class that kiss that you had at a school disco when you were 7 as your ‘first kiss’? Or perhaps one when you were drunk at a party playing Spin the Bottle?

Or is it… the first kiss that really meant something.

anime-kiss

Do you see what I’m getting at here?

Because I always thought of ‘a first kiss’ as being something that really meant something, you know? It was something that mattered. I always thought it’d be with the person you love, rather than some stranger. But on the other hand, a first kiss is, basically, the first time you kissed someone, but with added romantic stigma.

Haha, I was a really soppy kid.

And does your first kiss really matter? How significant is it to other people? And can you have multiple ‘first kisses’, for example, your first kiss with a different partner?

What are your views on this? Either vote on the poll (getting techy here) or let me know in the comments and make me feel like I’m not the only one who thinks about these things.

 

“You’ve been watching ‘Soppy Friday Night with Girlwiththesilverlocket, thank you and good night.”

xx

Well well well.

I just realised I haven’t posted anything for about 12 days… So much for that 10 day challenge then. I’m going to continue that from now on. I’ve had so much homework recently that I just haven’t had time to write anything. But hey, I’m back now!
I realise this may be quite a long post so I’m going to do two seperate posts: one about the awkward-guy-friend sit (this one) and another about other shiz. So anyway, here goes.

I found this picture and it explains it exactly.

I found this picture and it explains it exactly.

Awkward guy friend number 2. – Well, awkward-guy-friend-2 has basically been ignoring me ever since the awkward-guy-friend-1 incident. Yeah, that’s about 3 and a half weeks. I spent those weeks debating whether to talk to him about it or whether to just let him get on with it. I decided to just let him get on with it for a long time and I endured being totally isolated and ignored since the start of term again. When le sexy garçon (that’s his new name now by the way) came to talk to me that time (yeah, that amazing conversation aah) the two awkward-guy-friends got the jist of the situation. And then a.g.f.1 (awkward-guy-friend-1) went colder and colder. He’d only speak to me when he absolutely had to, for example when he had to do a science assessment. TOGETHER. Yup, that was awkward. So yeah, that got me down. Big time. But I just thought, ‘you know what? Fuck it.’ Because if he doesn’t want to be friends, fine by me. I guess I just saw his dark side. But then my best mate said I should talk to him. So I did. And basically, to put it briefly, this is what I found out:
He was pissed off because of le sexy garçon because in his words, ‘It was like *le sexy garçon* comes along and bam you’re done with me.’ He actually thought there could be something between us and because of L.S.G he thought ‘it was all broken.’ Then he went on to say how he wasn’t like awkward-guy-friend-1 because he loved me unconditionally. He hated having so much tension between us etc etc etc.’
1. To be ‘done’ with someone, there has to be something there before. Maybe he just meant as in friendship but reading the rest of it, I think not. There was nothing there anyway so I don’t know what he thought.
2. ‘I love you unconditionally.’ – Okay. I’m sorry but really? What do we know about ‘unconditional love’? And surely if it was unconditional, he wouldn’t have been so cold with me.
3. If you hated the tension, why did you do it? JUST HAVE A FREAKING ARGUMENT WITH ME NEXT TIME. My speciality.

I mean, there was a hell of a lot in that conversation, but that was the main bits I guess. He apologised, and said he was acting like a complete idiot, which he was. My sister (hey if you’re reading this, which you shouldn’t be) said he was acting like a bitchy teenage girl. Which is very true actually. I was in tears during this conversation (thanks to ma soeur for making me feel okay, love you) because no matter how many apologies we exchanged, I knew it wouldn’t be the same again. I knew I’d lost one of my best friends, and then knowing what I’d just found out, I knew I’d probably broken his heart. HAHAHA- 2 guys in the space of under a month. Slut. No I’m not exactly feeling good about it, oh no. I feel really bad. But the worst thing about this is that I begin to question myself. I make myself think that I’m the one to blame. I’m not. I can’t help it if I don’t like my friend in that way. I can’t change it. And I’m not going to.
It’s been a bit better since that conversation two days ago. Slightly better. We’re talking to each other for starters. It can still be slightly awkward, but that’s what I expected. In maths today (I think I failed my assessment AHAHAHA. Why do I find that funny?) we had to work together. At one point, he just kind of looked up at me. Not saying anything, he just looked into my eyes and smiled. AWKWARD. I had to look away. Then when I glanced back, he was still doing it. DAFUQ?! I just awkwardly laughed and tried to get on with matching the stupid statements up. I could still feel his gaze and it was oppressive. I just got up and walked away ‘to get some paper’. We didn’t need paper, I just did it to get away. It did the trick though.
So I’ll just see how it goes. I know it won’t be the same, but it might get better. Maybe.

Awkward-guy-friend-1 has been surprisingly alright with it considering what happened. He hasn’t changed, and it’s no where near as awkward as I thought it’d be. Occasionellement, he makes jokes about le sexy garçon. (Or as one of my other friends calls him, Kennedy. It was code because le sexy garçon was in earshot XD) But they’re all lighthearted and can sometimes be quite amusing actually. O___o

We’re studying Much Ado About Nothing in English and we’re watching the film. Some of the things said were so relatable and I almost started crying at one point because it just brought back all the pain of the awkward-guy-friend-1-ignoring-me-and-hating-my-guts-yet-saying-he-loves-me situation. And I could see from across the room that he was thinking the same thing.

xx

I think too much.

tears

I think too much. And quite a lot of the time, it’s not a good thing. I just find myself thinking too deeply about things I don’t want to think about at all. Like what happened exactly a week ago today.

This is what happened:

I have quite a large group of friends, and just under half of those are boys. Boy mates are really awesome. Until they ask you out.

Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why??

Now, I’m not the best of friends with this guy, but we’re still kinda close I guess. We’ve had a lot of fall outs and fights over the past year and all that anger can just come flooding back with the smallest mistake. My best friend was the one who rekindled our friendship. She just made me think about it differently, and if she hadn’t had done that, I would still be totally ignoring him and just hating the sight of him. Harsh, I know.

But it was all ok for a while. I still fight with him, but it’s more playful banter than anything else.

Then came the ice skating trip. I’m a bit crap at ice skating. I got quite good towards the end but before that, I simply felt more comfortable if I was linked to someone. So, being the stupid girl that I am, skated round, hand in hand with all the boys in our group. I never meant it to mean anything, god no, and I didn’t think anyone else would.I mean my best friend was doing it too and they didn’t take that seriously. I just did it because I found it easier.

So, ignoring the fact that he was not the only boy to hold my hand that day, I guess he probably thought there was something in it, and that night he asked me out. By text. So that was an extremely awkward night, sending him extremely long replies saying how sorry I was and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt him, etc etc. He said he understood, but knowing him, he was probably crying in the corner of his room. And I felt fucking terrible. I felt so bad.

The next day was the last day of term and we had the awkward goodbyes and hugging situation to face. My best friend nearly had a heart attack when I told her on the bus that morning, she couldn’t quite believe it. Whilst trying to console the broken hearted boy I’d just rejected, we both agreed it wouldn’t change anything and it wouldn’t be awkward. Well that was never going to happen. Of course it was going to be awkward!! Luckily we only had a half day because it was the end of term, so I only had one lesson with him and break. I avoided eye contact with him through maths, which wasn’t hard seeing as we were just watching Madagascar 3 on YouTube. Then we had drama in which we watched Brave. All the way through it, I was just dreading the time where we would have to go for break.

That time came and we all met up at our usual place. Awkward smiles were exchanged and that was pretty much it. Then there was the bell and before dispersing to our separate form rooms, everyone hugged each other awkwardly. I gave him an awkward hug, (I swear he has never hugged anyone in his life, it was the crappiest hug ever), and wished him a merry Christmas as I walked off.

So that was alright…

But he hadn’t got over it. iMessage conversations with my bezzie proved that.

I just had to keep telling myself I did the the right thing, for me.
So I was beginning to feel slightly less terrible and awkward about the situation but then came the awkward conversation with my second best mate who happens to be a boy. Can you see where this is going?
He said about feeling betrayed by this guy: ‘he knows how much I like you, then he asks you out’ (what kind of ‘like’ is this??) And then he went on about finding a new, different kind of love for someone and surely it would work better if they were close friends?
While this was going on, all I was thinking was, ‘shit.’ After many attempts to get the message across that I didn’t want a relationship with anyone at the moment, I eventually just said I had to go.
I used to feel so happy and comfortable talking to him, and we’d talk about a lot… but now I don’t want to talk at all. It feels like I’ve lost one of my best friends, and he has no idea.
There are no x’s any more, no smilies, no jokes. No ‘hey!’s 3 times a day any more. Not from me anyway.
And this is what happens when I think too much. Am I just reading into it too much?

Before I go, one piece of advice:

Don’t crush on your mates, if you can help it, and unless you know they feel the same way, definitely don’t ask them out. It ends with heartbreak and tears on both sides.