Coffins behind the velvet.

{POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNING}

I think about dying quite a lot. Not necessarily the suicide kind of dying, though that creeps in too sometimes, but it’s never serious… Just thoughts about pain and how much easier one way would be than another. But the kind of dying that has no real meaning; no ending note. No crying, or screaming for the pain to stop. Simply slipping quietly into a peaceful state of non-existance and tranquility. And it seems so appealing. Dressed in white, or maybe black, alone to sleep the hurt away.
And that is how we see it.
But I think that maybe the peace is a facade and that we never really get peace, do we, because of everyone left behind. And death is never easy. There are never the slow, lapping waves of calm washing over you, and instead a dark tidal wave of the regrets of the dead. No memories here. Just our stale hearts as they rest in the cages of our ribs, slowly pumping your remaining sadness round your veins before it finally gives in to the velvet curtain of darkness and it drops to shield your coffin from the tears on the pews, rotted by words of our choking throats.
If peace is the ultimate desire, then surely the nails of the coffin is no place to rest our sorry souls.

She still exists?

This was supposed to be published last night, but I ended up finishing it at 1am and my wifi was non-existent. Damn.

Yeeees, I do.

AND SUMMER IS NEARLY UPON US.

I have been meaning to write at least something but I have simply come to the conclusion that my creative instinct has just evaporated or gone for a long holiday to Mexico.

Hmm.

So, how about a mid-year review kind of thing? oh this will be depressing

So, at the start of this year, I did that… *whispers* New Year Plan and as far as you and I are concerned, it never… happened. Okay?

Okay.

See, thing is, nothing has been done about that.

And this is why I don’t make resolutions.

…So… in a moment of desperation, let’s take a look at this… plan.

Blog reflections ~ Considering I started this blog on Christmas Eve 2012, I may as well look back on some of my worst posts ever and laugh and cringe at how badly worded they are and at my failed attempts to make jokes. And just muse over how awesome you all are and wonder about how you don’t realise how much I suck.
Reflections on the past year ~ Basically where I remember all the really bad/awkward/stupid/idiotic things that have happened over the past year and cry about them whilst armed with a pot of Ben and Jerry’s.
Resolutions (and what happened to last year’s) ~ Oh dear.
2014 Bucket List ~ Bucket lists are good, right?
Hopes for 2014 ~ Probably trying to be deep and failing.
Blog ideas and series that I may or may not keep up ~ I have so many ideas lying around so I may as well list them all and have this list as a constant reminder of my decreasing blogging abilities.

Oh god.

Have I done any of these things?

No, no aaaaaand oh look! No!

So, swiftly moving on from that.

What have I done?

Well, are you sitting comfortably?

…Yeah I got nothing.

Is an existential crisis an appropriate reaction to the moment you realise that you have literally done nothing but eat pizza and cry for half a year?

Maybe talking about my current state of affairs would be a better idea. you wish, don’t even pretend you’re doing something with your life

Currently, I am a pizza-devouring, guitar-playing, peach tea-drinking almost-sixteen year old on the brink of crisis. I’m constantly torn between the lust of having electric blue hair and keeping it dragon-scale blonde, as one of my best friends once described it. I long to be a mermaid in a sea of fairy lights but also a shadow, writing dark poetry in the moonlit corner of a room. I watch Supernatural too much and I cry when Dean gets hurt, but I can’t say I care so much about Sam. I eat a lot of pizza and Oreo chocolate and I thank God for fast metabolism. I have the best friends in the universe and am ever so slightly in love with them. I want floral skateboards and snakebites and black and white dresses and books and an endless supply of Ryden fanfic and films and bottles of Jack Daniels and I want 50s swing dresses and Alex Turner and to kiss Andrew Garfield on the cheek and I want tickets to see Arctic Monkeys and to travel the world and I want to feel intoxicated.

But also?

I’m average. I’m fifteen and working at a little garden centre on Saturdays to pay for my music addiction. I’ve talked four people out of suicide and I would be lying if I said I can cope with that. I’ve been advised by a doctor to see a councillor, which isn’t possible for me until next term at least. I’m in a constant battle with my mind and I have a few too many scars to prove it. I’m scared to let people down and I’m scared to see myself get any worse. I don’t know where my relationship is going; I don’t know where I want it to go. I don’t like to admit that I get jealous, or paranoid. I don’t like to admit that I still want to die. Or that I still want to see blood. And I’m sorry we don’t talk as much as we used to. And that I ignore you sometimes. It’s just so loud in my head that I can’t string two words together to tell you that I love you. But I am okay.

And I was not the girl who listened to The Smiths before she heard Asleep in Perks. And sometimes I don’t read the books before I see the films. And I don’t have a fake ID and I’ve never even properly got drunk. I get nervous putting my hand up in class, but I’m good at small talk. My idol appears naked on her album cover and is known to be one of the most reckless females in the rock industry but I’m self-conscious and I’ve never had a detention. And I would like to say I don’t care about anything but I have to please people. And sometimes I like to talk to people just because they try. And I’m prone to mood swings and sometimes I hurt people and say the wrong things. My sister is one of my closest friends and I rely on her a lot. I’d like to say that the only person I rely on is myself but I need certain people to stay alive.

And I would say that I am rather quite unextraordinary.

So.

Mid-year review?

Ordinary. But okay.

One day left.

Tomorrow is my last exam of this year which means that I can finally start blogging again, after weeks of revision, procrastination, crying at Supernatural spoilersand, honestly, lack of inspiration.

So, before disappearing for another week or so (from Monday night – Friday, I’m in France on a school trip shit… I’m actually going to have to speak French… I can’t bullshit my way through this now, lord help me but I’m hoping that’ll be hella fun), I thought I’d make a quick post or something just to remind you of my existence.

And it’s only three weeks until summer break! I’m like, 9462865% done with one day weekends (I now work on Saturdays and my boss is an A+ asshole) so it’ll be so good to forget about everything and actually have time to hang out with friends.

Also, I went to the advanced screening on The Fault in Our Stars a couple of weeks ago and oh. My.

I literally came out the cinema with eyeliner streaming down my face.

It’s very close to the book, and the casting is perfect, despite having doubts about Ansel when I first saw the cast list, and it’s everything I wanted it to be. GOSEEIT GOSEEIT GOSEEIT.

And that is me done for now, I’ll see you in a week or so ^-^

Xx

‘Get to know me uncomfortably well.’ #1 of 4

Okay sooo, I’m lying in bed staring at the ceiling after being woken up by an excruciatingly loud group of girls on their way to school screaming about ‘who shagged him first’ and, as I am not yet ready to face people, I thought I may as well write a post.
Here we go.
I saw a post on Tumblr called ‘get to know me uncomfortably well’ and to sum it up, it was basically a list of 100 questions that you could ask whoever posted them.
Buuut I’m just going to answer them all, in four posts of 25 questions.

The questions:

1. What is your middle name?
Fay

2. How old are you?
15

3. When’s your birthday?
1st September

4. What’s your zodiac sign?
Virgo

5. What’s your favourite colour?
I have a few. Scarlett, black and turquoise are my main favourites.

6. What’s your lucky number?
I don’t really have one as much now, but 3 used to be my lucky number and still kind of is.

7. Do you own any pets?
As most of you probably know, I have a dog called Jumble, who is now almost 3 years old. I used to have a cat named Charlie and before that, up to when I was about 4 years old, we had two huskies, Rusky and Bandit.

8. Where are you from?
In the middle (ish) of England.

9. How tall are you?
About 5″4

10. What’s your shoe size?
5 and a half – 6 (no idea what that is in American sizing)

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
Not that many, surprisingly. 6?

12. What was your last dream about?
Uuum, from what I can remember, I was with two of my friends and we were going to prom, but I wasn’t allowed in or something… On the same night I dreamt that I was at an Imagine Dragons concert at the place where I saw Fall Out Boy and I was right at the front and Dan high fived me and there were a load of people crawling on stage. …Yeah. The guy from French also appeared in one of the seats (he said a couple of weeks ago that he’s regretting not asking me out when he could, what) and asked me whether I was enjoying the gig. Weird.

13. Are you psychic in any way?
Yes, slightly. It’s pretty weird actually.

14. What’s your favourite song?
I can’t choose… Anything by Panic! At The Disco (Hurricane is possibly one of my favourites as well as Turn Off The Lights) or Somewhere in Neverland by All Time Low. Mr. Brightside, too as it’s just so good and brings back a lot of happy memories. Asleep by The Smiths (featured in Perks of Being a Wallflower) is beautiful also, but it makes me incredibly sad. Since You’re Gone by The Pretty Reckless is incredibly sassy, and Why’d You Bring A Shotgun is also amazing. Bleeding Out and Demons by Imagine Dragons as well as Nothing Left To Say (made me cry when they played it live). Fall Into These Arms and Yeah Yeah Yeah by New Politics because of the memories they bring back from gigs and The Pheonix by FOB. Yeah you can tell I can’t choose…

15. What is your favourite movie?
Frozen, The Perks of being a Wallflower and anything with Zac Efron. Divergent is really good too, much better than I expected. I can’t wait for The Fault in our Stars film to come out… It’s going to destroy me.

16. Who would your ideal partner be?
Brendon Urie. …Jensen Ackles… Misha Collins… Zefron… Beyoncé. Whether or not I was supposed to name people or not, I don’t know but that’s how it’s being done now. XD

17. Do you want to have children?
Sure. I’d really love to have at least one daughter (naming her Isla, pronounced I-la).

18. Do you want a church wedding?
Uuuum, I’m not too fussed. There’s something special about it but I’m not too bothered.

19. Are you religious?
Not at all really. I was brought up a Christian and then kind of… Stopped.

20. Have you ever had to go to the hospital?
A few times, once when I was about five years old, I cracked my head open on the corner of my bath. Then the other times were for check ups as I have a nut allergy so they used to put different nut oils on my skin to see which ones caused the worst reaction. That was always nice.

21. Ever been in trouble with the law?
Nope.

22. Have you met any celebrities?
Uuum. I met New Politics and Dan Croll at gigs. My boyfriend met Emma Blackery the other day when they were at the same train station. Unfair. He seems to end up meeting so many people, I’m really envious.

23. Baths or showers?
Showers.

24. What colour socks were you last wearing?
Blue, white and red striped kneelength socks with my PJs that I got for Christmas.

25. Do you have any special talents?
…I’m not entirely sure what you’d define as ‘special’… I can write in Elvish? XD

Another 25 soon ^-^ Feel free to do this yourself!

Xx

Sisterhood Award

The actual award is called Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award but it kind of hurt my brain a little so I cut it short in the title.

sisterhood

For this award, all you have to do is nominate twelve other bloggers I believe. So, thank you to Mia (you got your posts in the end XD) and now I’m going to nominate people, probably not twelve but let’s see how this goes. I have no idea who’s already been nominated, by the way so expect re-nominations.

Attempting Reality

Jacqui’s Song

GeeklyGirl

You Are a Wallflower

and of course Mia (Okaaythen.)

Hardly twelve but hey. Happy Easter for yesterday, by the way.

(And I realised that I will be able to reply to comments etc, because 3G, duh.)

xx

(I wrote an update post just before this one in case you haven’t seen that yet ^^)