It’s been a while since I last wrote anything. (Mia, I did start my diary entry… it just didn’t… uh… get finished…)
There’s not much to say about life in general, apart from the fact that my uh, family holiday made me want to drown myself. So I think I’ll stay home next year?
I’m half way through my summer break, as schools in my city break up a week or two earlier than schools in the rest of the UK. And I don’t know what’s least in my favour right now; school, or not being at school.
That sounds strange but let me explain.
Being with my family drives me insane. Luckily, I can be with people most of the time, and going out is a big relief, though it’s always the same sinking feeling when I get back home.
I broke up with Skate.
It took me a while, but I eventually realised that he was a trigger, and a bad one, and that although half the time, the relationship was so sweet and nice and just exactly what you’d want from one… the other 50% made me so incredibly unhappy, and that’s when you need to do something about it. If I’m honest, it was intoxicating, but not the good kind of intoxication that people write about in love songs.
It was suffocating, I always ended up blaming myself for something that had nothing to do on me. I was weighed down constantly by his problems, and his mood swings would ruin any happiness I had almost daily. He complained about me being with my friends, and would accuse me of not caring, and if anything didn’t go his way, he’d blame it on his life, or his family, or my ‘lack of understanding’, and he’d say he wanted to kill himself. Again and again. And nothing I could say would make anything change so I’d had enough. Especially after the first time. See, I can’t remember whether I’d told any of you that I’d already, strictly speaking, broken up with him before, a few months ago, when an argument got so out of hand that I was screaming down the phone at him and crying so hard I couldn’t breathe.
And I gave him a second chance, stupid girl.
Things changed for about a week, then returned to exactly what it was before. But I excused him because of his problems, and I thought that the happy part of the relationship was worth all the, what I saw as trivial little arguments.
If any of you find yourself in that situation, it is not worth it.
The break up went something along the lines of him accusing me of this, this and this, and flipping his shit at me for using sarcasm, threatening to kill himself, etc, etc, and me just saying that I was done with him and hanging up.
26 missed calls, 17 whatsapp messages, 19 texts, 7 facebook messages, messages sent to 4 of my friends.
A single 2am message from me confirming that yes, it is over, and no, we cannot work this out.
That’s how it ended.
And I guess that a part of me is sad, because I knew him like no one else, and we were extremely close, like best friends, for a very long time. And I loved him.
But love is not a reason to be unhappy.
Love. Is not. A reason. To be. Unhappy.
And now it’s over, it’s like a huge weight’s been lifted off my shoulders, and I’ve been quite a bit happier, I suppose.
We still talk, sometimes, and I had a nice conversation with him last night, but until then, the conversation was so incredibly fake, with both of us being too polite, and the amount of :)s was infuriating.
And he’s still alive.
And now I have the most typical examples of white boys thinking they have a chance.
One of which is… can any of you remember Flirt? The boy I dated for like, 4 days last summer?
Hmm. It seems that things have come full circle.
A week or so ago, he started talking to me again, flirty as always. And as fun as he is to flirt with, no way would I date him. Especially not after last time.
The second is a lad that’s an asshole to everyone but me, apparently. It’s been an on-off friendship with him. Thing is, he’s cool to talk to, it’s nice having him around, and he does genuinely care. It’s just a shame he has to be a prick to everyone else.
I like non-committal things. When I was with Skate, I found myself wishing that we were still just-friends, without the pressure of the relationship that we had.
I guess I have that now.
But enough of that. I have purple hair now?
It’s faded really fast, so it’s now a silvery lilac which I like quite a lot, but I’m re-dying it tonight with longer lasting stuff, I think.
Have a wonderful day, take a look at my new tumblr here and I’ll write soon.