The wave.

Ooh, deep, mysterious, somewhat crappy title

…Anyways, I’m just feeling kind of crappy right now. I don’t have any particular- ooh it’s 23:23… Speciaaaaalllll -reason, not really, but maybe it’s just the darkness and everything that makes these stupid thoughts and emotions whirl round in my head.
The reason this post is called ‘the wave’ is because it’s kind of about the massive wave of emotion that people, myself amongst many, feel as soon as we’re alone in the darkness of the night. It’s something that I can’t stop. It’s a tidal wave of anger and sadness and wishing things were different. And I think the only way to almost… Dull the impact of it is to write. To just pour everything onto paper or onto a notepad on your phone or whatever you may choose. Like I’m writing this, right now.
The strange thing is, I am certain that so many people will be doing exactly this, or perhaps simply lying in the darkness with millions of stupid thoughts going round and round in their heads. I know I’m not the only one. I don’t know, maybe some of you are doing it right as I write this.
It can’t be just me whose mood drops in the silence. It can’t be just me whose mind is alive with regrets and frustrations and questions that are never going to be asked. It can’t be just me who finds it takes everything not to let the tears come.
Right now, I just feel so crap and awkward and I just want to sleep because sleeping is the only way it’ll stop but I can’t because these thoughts are keeping me awake.
Urgh. This happens so often. It takes everything not to just… Give in to the sadness and the negativity.
I try to be a positive person. And when it’s daylight I’ll be as happy as the next person. But now all that disappears and I’m just left feeling broken.
A friend of mine said something today, which made me think.

I can’t remember the last time I was sad. I haven’t been sad in ages. I guess I don’t have anything to be sad about.

And I suppose I don’t have much to be sad about either. But I still constantly find myself in the position of feeling sad. Every night.
And I just want to try and make it stop. I shouldn’t have to feel like this, and not should anyone else, but we do and that’s life. I know that one day, I won’t feel like this any more but right now… I just don’t know how I feel about anything or anyone or even myself.
I know that so many people have it much worse than I do, so I don’t have an excuse to feel this way. But again, someone, actually a total stranger on Omegle, said this quite some time ago and it has stuck with me through all these months.

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Because you don’t.

I guess I just wanted to write this to give me something to focus on and to give me something that I can pour everything into. I don’t know whether any of it made sense, but there you go. I just want to know, do any of you have the same thing? That wave?

Love you all. Thanks for listening, I appreciate it.

Xx

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5 thoughts on “The wave.

  1. I actually fully understand this feeling…for so long I felt like this! (unfortunately I’m an obligated tip giver so hopefully you don’t mind)….One thing I found that really helped me was doing something every day that I wanted to do above what people expected me to. Like read a book for ages or eat a piece of cake if I felt so inclined…it helped me feel happier 🙂
    Good luck!

  2. Pingback: Reasons To Carry On 1-50 | girlwiththesilverlocket

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