I think too much. And quite a lot of the time, it’s not a good thing. I just find myself thinking too deeply about things I don’t want to think about at all. Like what happened exactly a week ago today.
This is what happened:
I have quite a large group of friends, and just under half of those are boys. Boy mates are really awesome. Until they ask you out.
Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why??
Now, I’m not the best of friends with this guy, but we’re still kinda close I guess. We’ve had a lot of fall outs and fights over the past year and all that anger can just come flooding back with the smallest mistake. My best friend was the one who rekindled our friendship. She just made me think about it differently, and if she hadn’t had done that, I would still be totally ignoring him and just hating the sight of him. Harsh, I know.
But it was all ok for a while. I still fight with him, but it’s more playful banter than anything else.
Then came the ice skating trip. I’m a bit crap at ice skating. I got quite good towards the end but before that, I simply felt more comfortable if I was linked to someone. So, being the stupid girl that I am, skated round, hand in hand with all the boys in our group. I never meant it to mean anything, god no, and I didn’t think anyone else would.I mean my best friend was doing it too and they didn’t take that seriously. I just did it because I found it easier.
So, ignoring the fact that he was not the only boy to hold my hand that day, I guess he probably thought there was something in it, and that night he asked me out. By text. So that was an extremely awkward night, sending him extremely long replies saying how sorry I was and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt him, etc etc. He said he understood, but knowing him, he was probably crying in the corner of his room. And I felt fucking terrible. I felt so bad.
The next day was the last day of term and we had the awkward goodbyes and hugging situation to face. My best friend nearly had a heart attack when I told her on the bus that morning, she couldn’t quite believe it. Whilst trying to console the broken hearted boy I’d just rejected, we both agreed it wouldn’t change anything and it wouldn’t be awkward. Well that was never going to happen. Of course it was going to be awkward!! Luckily we only had a half day because it was the end of term, so I only had one lesson with him and break. I avoided eye contact with him through maths, which wasn’t hard seeing as we were just watching Madagascar 3 on YouTube. Then we had drama in which we watched Brave. All the way through it, I was just dreading the time where we would have to go for break.
That time came and we all met up at our usual place. Awkward smiles were exchanged and that was pretty much it. Then there was the bell and before dispersing to our separate form rooms, everyone hugged each other awkwardly. I gave him an awkward hug, (I swear he has never hugged anyone in his life, it was the crappiest hug ever), and wished him a merry Christmas as I walked off.
So that was alright…
But he hadn’t got over it. iMessage conversations with my bezzie proved that.
I just had to keep telling myself I did the the right thing, for me.
So I was beginning to feel slightly less terrible and awkward about the situation but then came the awkward conversation with my second best mate who happens to be a boy. Can you see where this is going?
He said about feeling betrayed by this guy: ‘he knows how much I like you, then he asks you out’ (what kind of ‘like’ is this??) And then he went on about finding a new, different kind of love for someone and surely it would work better if they were close friends?
While this was going on, all I was thinking was, ‘shit.’ After many attempts to get the message across that I didn’t want a relationship with anyone at the moment, I eventually just said I had to go.
I used to feel so happy and comfortable talking to him, and we’d talk about a lot… but now I don’t want to talk at all. It feels like I’ve lost one of my best friends, and he has no idea.
There are no x’s any more, no smilies, no jokes. No ‘hey!’s 3 times a day any more. Not from me anyway.
And this is what happens when I think too much. Am I just reading into it too much?
Before I go, one piece of advice:
Don’t crush on your mates, if you can help it, and unless you know they feel the same way, definitely don’t ask them out. It ends with heartbreak and tears on both sides.