2k15

Whooooooooooooooooooaokay. You can all stop screaming now, I’m here.

2015, huh. I’m still not so sure about how significant the whole new year thing is to me. Half of me feels like YES NEW YEAR LET’S MAKE THIS GREAT and then the other half just doesn’t give one. I think this is going to be a year of change, definitely, and I’m feeling a lot better in myself, generally, than I have been for a long while so I’m determined to keep getting better.

As for resolutions, we all know how great I am at keeping those. So I just want to make sure I keep my happy dosage up and have more faith in myself. I just need to make sure I don’t slip again, and if I do, I’m going to make sure I get straight back up.

I also need to improve my diet. But I also know that there’s no way I’d keep the whole ‘ditch-the-chocolate’ thing up, so I’m just eating more fruits and vegetables, that kind of thing, just generally healthy foods and I swear I will try to exercise more… (she says as she lies in bed at 1pm).

Saving money is another thing I really need to improve at. When I get my end-of-month pay check kind of thing (god knows what it’s called), I just stare blankly at it trying to work out where the £200 went.

So, I guess they’re the main things I’m going to try and do this year. We’ll see how that works out, ha.

Let’s kick 2k15’s butt.

xx

Get To Know Me Uncomfortably Well #2

I haven’t actually gotten round to publishing anything recently… no shit but here’s over 100 quick fire questions that I’m going to answer for the funsies. and because I’m too lazy to actually write anything worth reading and because I’ve just eaten an entire tub of ice cream.

Okay let’s go.

  • 1:Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?

Umm… A few things. Mainly about where I stand with people now.

  • 2:Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?

Not anymore.

  • 3:If your significant other smoked pot, would you care?

Depends on a lot of things

  • 4:Do you find it easy to trust others?

Fairly, but I’m quickly losing trust in general humanity

  • 5:What were you doing at 11PM last night?

Last night? What day even was it yesterday… Friday. Drinking peach and cherry blossom tea

  • 6:You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?

A couple of my best friends, I imagine

  • 7:What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?

Smash something, probably. Maybe their skull.

  • 8:Are you close with your dad?

Sometimes

  • 9:I bet you kissed someone last night, right?

HA! No.

  • 10:What are you listening to?

My sister attempting guitar. Unfortunately. But a few minutes ago, I was listening to Tonight Alive’s album, The Other Side

  • 11:You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life – what is it?

Are we thinking logically here? …Water? If not… Chamomile tea or pink lemonade or Barr’s cream soda or peach schnapps

  • 12:Do you like hickeys?

Never had one

  • 13:What time do you go to bed?

22:31-03:17ish. Depends. (yes i’m one of those weird people who hates equal numbers, eck)

  • 14:Is there someone who continuously lets you down?

Maybe. Definitely used to be

  • 15:Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?

Not quite

  • 16:Do you always answer your texts?

Nah

  • 17:Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?

I don’t know

  • 18:When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?

Two minutes ago

  • 19:Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?

For the most part, yes

  • 20:What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

How incredibly fun work was going to be today. Note sarcasm

  • 21:Is anyone else in the room with you?

My sister

  • 22:Do you believe what goes around comes around?

Yes

  • 23:Were you happier four months ago than you are now?

What month was that… July? August? It’s hard to say. So… I’m not sure. Maybe?

  • 24:Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?

Yes

  • 25:In the past week, have you cried?

Yes

  • 26:What colour is the shirt you are wearing?

Pale pink. It’s a jumper I got from H&M yesterday. It has a pony on it.

  • 27:Do people ever call you by your last name?

Only to take the piss

  • 28:Is anyone ignoring you right now?

Yes

  • 29:Do you have a best friend?

I have a few

  • 30:Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?

I’m trying to think who that was… It was either a friend (in which case, no) or someone else (in which case… still no, they’d be welcome to him)

  • 31:Who was your last call/text message from?

My last call was from my friend Tom and my last text was from my babe, Shard (noooo that’s not her real name)

  • 32:Are you mad at anyone?

Not… mad

  • 33:Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

…Uh huh.

  • 34:How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?

We doing this as a romantic kinda kiss (as opposed to an affectionate hey-friend-come-here-let-me-kiss-you-goodbye kiss? Wait… no one else does that? Okay) In which case, 19. Otherwise? 16.

  • 35:How many more days until your birthday?

283

  • 36:Do you have any summer plans yet?

Not really

  • 37:Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?

A couple, the rest turned out to be… not very good at the whole friend thing

  • 38:Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?

Not really. Depends on perspective

  • 39:Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?

Kind of

  • 40:Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

Not really

  • 41:Do you think age matters in relationships?

Sometimes

  • 42:Are you available?

By ‘available’ does that mean single because if so yes, but I’ve renounced males until hot new ones turn up next year for sixth form

  • 43:How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?

Not sure how to define high school here… My high school ended two years ago at the end of year 9. In which case, two.

  • 44:If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?

Snake bites!

  • 45:Do you believe exes can be friends?

Nope. Unless you’re hella lucky

  • 46:Do you regret anything?

Yeah

  • 47:Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?

I don’t know. My mind is a complete mess and I can’t really think straight

  • 48:Did you ever lose a best friend?

Yes

  • 49:Was your last kiss a mistake?

Yes

  • 50:Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?

I don’t like anyone anymore ahhahaha

  • 51:Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?

No

  • 52:Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?

No

  • 53:What was the last thing you ate?

Ice cream

  • 54:Did you get any compliments today?

No

  • 55:Where are you going on your next vacation?

No idea

  • 56:Do you own anything from other countries?

Yes, a few things from Spain and Iceland

  • 57:Are most of your friend guys or girls?

Guuuurls

  • 58:Where have you lived most of your life?

Same place, I’ve never moved. In the middle of the UK

  • 59:When was the last time you took a long drive?

How long is long?

  • 60:Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?

Yas

  • 61:Have you ever TPd someone’s house?

Noooo

  • 62:Who do you text the most?

Not sure really

  • 63:What was the last movie you saw?

Love, Rosie

  • 64:What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?

I can’t really answer this one, can I

  • 65:How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?

A grand total of zero!

  • 66:Is the last person you kissed younger than you?

Nope

  • 67:Do you curse around your parents?

Sometimes, I try not to

  • 68:Are you happy with where you live?

Yeah

  • 69:Picture of yourself?

I would but too much effort man

  • 70:Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?

Monogamous

  • 71:Have you ever been dumped?

I guess, but that relationship lasted four days so it doesn’t count!

  • 72:What do you most like about making out?

Eeeeverything

  • 73:Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?

Yuh huh

  • 74:When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?

Usually the other but idk

  • 75:What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?

Collar bones, shoulder blades

  • 76:Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?

Shard

  • 77:Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?

No

  • 78:Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?

No

  • 79:What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?

Ummmm that’s a difficult question

  • 80:Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?

Sure?

  • 81:Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?

Yep

  • 82:Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?

No

  • 83:Do you miss your last sweetie?

Nope. I miss some of the things involved but I don’t miss him, no

  • 84:Last time you slow danced with someone?

Slow danced? On a beach in France while the sun was going down with one of my best friends because we were happy and we felt like it. One of my life goals is to slow dance to No. 1 Party Anthem by Arctic Monkeys so we got that on too. Yeah, that was a fun night.

  • 85:Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?

Not really

  • 86:How can I win your heart?

Quote song lyrics, buy me a puppy

  • 87:What is your astrological sign?

Virgo

  • 88:What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

Sleeping

  • 89:Do you cook?

When I get the chance that’s bullshit

  • 90:Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?

Not sure what is meant my no communication but I guess?

  • 91:If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?

Noooo I do not

  • 92:Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?

Monogamous, again

  • 93:What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?

Tall, nice hair, must be Brendon Urie

  • 94:Name four things that you wish you had!

A gingerbread latte, a brick to throw at someone, a fluffy jumper and a cuddly alpaca toy

  • 95:Are you a player?

Apparently so

  • 96:Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?

Uh huh. It’s not as bad as it sounds

  • 97:Are you a tease?

Yep

  • 98:Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?

Let me subsitute Tumblr for general internet peoples. I have done and I’d love to meet some of you guys

  • 99:Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?

Nah

  • 100:Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?

Anyone feel like going out for dinner?

  • 101:Hugs or Kisses?

Booooth

  • 102:Are you too shy to ask someone out?

I would be

  • 103:The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

Posture, how they walk. Also shoulders and hair and what they’re wearing and oh that’s more that one thing whoops do I care

  • 104:Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?

Can be?

  • 105:If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?

No, out of booooounds

  • 106:Do you flirt a lot?

Yes and I thoroughly enjoy it

  • 107:Your last kiss?

What about it?

  • 108:Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?

Four or five

  • 109:Have you kissed anyone in the past month?

Yas. But that was the normal greeting so I don’t think that counts

  • 110:If you could kiss anyone who would it be?

Taylor Momsen

  • 111:Do you know who you’ll kiss next?

Nah

  • 112:Does someone like you currently?

I have absolutely no idea. I thought they did. And then they just stopped talking so hahahahaha fuck you.

  • 113:Do you currently have feelings for anyone?

No, luckily for me

  • 114:Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

Bit of both, can’t be too serious or too casual. God, I’m difficult

  • 115:Ever made out with just a friend?

Yep

  • 116:Are you happier single or in a relationship?

I’m not sure really. I like being both

And there it is kiddos.

xx

Stop glaring, I’m heeeere.

honestly, please stop, it’s creeping me out a tad anyways just a real quick post to tell you that I’m still here and that I haven’t run away to Africa or anywhere, and that I have a video for awards currently in progress (kinda) and I have some tags and things to do and imma get right back at this okay ilya xx

3:04.

It was the night when the sky was dappled blue with clouds. I remember it had a pale pink glow towards the east like the clouds were ripped pieces of trace paper in front of a drying watercolour. And it was nights like these where I wished I owned a compass. So that in all the uncertainty, and for when you cannot see the moon or the stars, you will always know one thing for sure. Which way is north. And this also the night when I realised that it’s not as easy to crawl into your parents bed as it used to be. I’d been crying, making the duvet salty with every gasp for air that came rushing from my throat. And this was a rare night because I don’t cry much. The sadness is buried so deep into my bones that it cannot flow with the tears any more so I have no choice but to surrender to the empty void of bleeding lips and forked tongues. I could see the blade that was glinting in the dying light but, although every voice in my head was screaming for blood, I did not reach for it. And then my heartbeat was so loud in my ears that it overcame the whispers of my ghosts and all that was left was the stinging in my bloodshot eyes and the rhythmic beat of my heart against the cages of my ribs. So it was the night I counted to four with each quivering breath and tiptoed out of bed into my parents’ bedroom. I guess I should have known that it would not be like it was when I was little. The last time I’d done this was when I was six and had had a nightmare and was too scared to sleep again. I suppose the only difference, 10 years later, is that the nightmare is this life and that I am now more scared of the monsters in my head than the ones under my bed. This was the night that I stepped over my fathers’ cold feet until I was crouched in a space between him and our dog and, after swinging my lefts over the bedpost into the cool air, sat for a while, the dog sleepily nuzzling my hand with his warm nose. And that was the night when I realised that I could no longer fall asleep safe in the arms of my father and instead I would simply have to return to my own cell of white walls and shredded memories. And so I did and as I did so, I let the water drag my head into the current, leaving my consciousness with the waves.

Things have changed.

It’s been a while since I last wrote anything. (Mia, I did start my diary entry… it just didn’t… uh… get finished…)
There’s not much to say about life in general, apart from the fact that my uh, family holiday made me want to drown myself. So I think I’ll stay home next year?

I’m half way through my summer break, as schools in my city break up a week or two earlier than schools in the rest of the UK. And I don’t know what’s least in my favour right now; school, or not being at school.

That sounds strange but let me explain.

Being with my family drives me insane. Luckily, I can be with people most of the time, and going out is a big relief, though it’s always the same sinking feeling when I get back home.

But anyway.

I broke up with Skate.

It took me a while, but I eventually realised that he was a trigger, and a bad one, and that although half the time, the relationship was so sweet and nice and just exactly what you’d want from one… the other 50% made me so incredibly unhappy, and that’s when you need to do something about it. If I’m honest, it was intoxicating, but not the good kind of intoxication that people write about in love songs.
It was suffocating, I always ended up blaming myself for something that had nothing to do on me. I was weighed down constantly by his problems, and his mood swings would ruin any happiness I had almost daily. He complained about me being with my friends, and would accuse me of not caring, and if anything didn’t go his way, he’d blame it on his life, or his family, or my ‘lack of understanding’, and he’d say he wanted to kill himself. Again and again. And nothing I could say would make anything change so I’d had enough. Especially after the first time. See, I can’t remember whether I’d told any of you that I’d already, strictly speaking, broken up with him before, a few months ago, when an argument got so out of hand that I was screaming down the phone at him and crying so hard I couldn’t breathe.

And I gave him a second chance, stupid girl.

Things changed for about a week, then returned to exactly what it was before. But I excused him because of his problems, and I thought that the happy part of the relationship was worth all the, what I saw as trivial little arguments.

If any of you find yourself in that situation, it is not worth it.

The break up went something along the lines of him accusing me of this, this and this, and flipping his shit at me for using sarcasm, threatening to kill himself, etc, etc, and me just saying that I was done with him and hanging up.

26 missed calls, 17 whatsapp messages, 19 texts, 7 facebook messages, messages sent to 4 of my friends.

A single 2am message from me confirming that yes, it is over, and no, we cannot work this out.

That’s how it ended.

And I guess that a part of me is sad, because I knew him like no one else, and we were extremely close, like best friends, for a very long time. And I loved him.
But love is not a reason to be unhappy.

Love. Is not. A reason. To be. Unhappy.

And now it’s over, it’s like a huge weight’s been lifted off my shoulders, and I’ve been quite a bit happier, I suppose.

We still talk, sometimes, and I had a nice conversation with him last night, but until then, the conversation was so incredibly fake, with both of us being too polite, and the amount of :)s was infuriating.

And he’s still alive.

And now I have the most typical examples of white boys thinking they have a chance.
One of which is… can any of you remember Flirt? The boy I dated for like, 4 days last summer?

Hmm. It seems that things have come full circle.

A week or so ago, he started talking to me again, flirty as always. And as fun as he is to flirt with, no way would I date him. Especially not after last time.

The second is a lad that’s an asshole to everyone but me, apparently. It’s been an on-off friendship with him. Thing is, he’s cool to talk to, it’s nice having him around, and he does genuinely care. It’s just a shame he has to be a prick to everyone else.

I like non-committal things. When I was with Skate, I found myself wishing that we were still just-friends, without the pressure of the relationship that we had.

I guess I have that now.

But enough of that. I have purple hair now?

It’s faded really fast, so it’s now a silvery lilac which I like quite a lot, but I’m re-dying it tonight with longer lasting stuff, I think.

yeah so, uh, this is me ♥

yeah so, uh, this is me ♥

Have a wonderful day, take a look at my new tumblr here and I’ll write soon.

xx